Looking for strength

I'm into week 3 of every day pain. I'm not very fun to be around. Weeks of gritting my teeth with no relief have me either weeping or lashing out in anger. I'm at the edge of it all. The King wants me to go back to the doctor... again I told him there is not a magic pill to fix this. My experience with meds is not a good one and I really don't need to have more problems. I'm tired. Tired physically, emotionally and spiritually. My brain races but my thoughts are a jumbled mess. I repeat myself with the important things I need to remember for everyone. I have a lot on my plate this month and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. It's not stuff I can slough off for others to do.

Today I'd hope to sleep the day away but I can't fall asleep. So I'm trying to rest... someone's dog won't stop barking but if I close the window I will boil to death.

I miss who I used to be. It seems pointless to even make plans because who knows where I will be at when it comes time to do them.

I had a diet pop without thinking the other day and I know that the rat poison in it is definitely a trigger. I've advised the King to remind me that it's poison to my body if I reach for one again.

New Trigger, possible new treatment

Humidity is as hard on me as cold. I had a really tough time in Vancouver when the temps ranged from 32-38 C and the humidity is so much higher than we are used to on the prairie. The King took me for an infrared sauna in our hotel. It was amazing and I was able to make it through the rest of the trip without falling into flare.

I've been home for awhile but have been so busy that I haven't posted. I wanted to document this before I forgot. I am suffering today because I did too much and kept pushing myself without rest. This week I will have to take it easier than I'd planned. It's back to school soon and I need to be well for that.

If you could live in my body,
just for a day,
maybe you wouldn't think
that I feel okay.
You might understand
what it's like to be tired
by just trying to live,
just doing what's required.
If you could live in my body
you might begin to see,
that a simple drug
won't set me free.
If you could live in my skin
you'd learn to understand
that it's not in my head,
nor was it planned.
I don't want your pity
or to make you resent.
But I don't need to apologize,
or have your consent.
I am sick and I'm tired
every single day,
and it won't help to ignore it.
So listen when I say:
it helps when I relax
with a friend and some tea.
You can't understand
but please, believe me.

Submitted by Beth Turner, © butyoudontlooksick.com

It's been awhile.. hello flare!

I haven't missed you at all miserable flare. I was quite enjoying my summer without you. I tried to extend the time between chiro appointments and that was not a good idea. I'm sure last week of rain didn't help any either. Will be back getting adjusted on Tuesday and you'd better take a hike. It was good to feel normal for a bit.

Been so busy...

I've been so busy with soccer and the end of school stuff. We also escaped to Kelowna for 5 days last week. I'm looking forward to next Friday when school is out and soccer is finished.

I've been feeling really good. The chiropractor is really helping me. I've gone down to 1 visit a week instead of 2. Today we took the entire royal family for adjustments (wanted to get those first visits done before they are no longer covered by Alberta Health). The weather has been hot and dry which is always great for me.

Sorry I've been so bad at keeping up with the blog. I've been sleeping at night so I'm not up pecking on the keyboard in the wee hours.

Hope you are all well.

Chiropractic

Went to the Chiropractor today. He was very personable and understanding. We're going to give 2x a week a go for the next bit and then see if we need to add in some acupuncture and/or massage therapy. I was feeling pretty good pain wise today which made it easier for him to check me out so that was a positive. I was pleasantly surprised at how inexpensive the first visit was. I'm used to paying at least $80 and up to $150 for the first visit but it was only $45, subsequent adjustments will be $17 until July 1st when Alberta Health Care drops chiro from it's list on insured services... so not happy about that move. Thankfully we have great extended health benefits so will still have coverage. Looks like our cold weather is on it's way out and warm weather is coming in which always makes me feel so much better.

Spring Snowstorm... yet again

brrrr.... it's damp and cold which makes me sore... blah. Had a doctors appointment today for my yearly woman fun. We also talked about my fibro and how the alternative treatments were working, if I'd tried the meds she gave me to help sleep, etc. I admitted that I've been in a bit of a funk since I quit Dr. Voodoo and with that I also stopped massage. I said I feel like I'm in a bit of a grieving stage and learning to not pine for the old me and all I could do. I told her I know that I was neglecting myself and just throwing a bit of a pity party. She said we all do that and it's completely understandable. She said the fibro is such a frustrating condition and sometimes it will seem like there are no answers or solutions. I said that I think I will look for another acupuncturist as I know that it did help me in the beginning. I also recognize that it likely won't heal me but it can help me manage the symptoms better. She is going to do some bloodwork again to see if my RA levels have increased at all. She said I could try taking the Amitriptyline more consistently as some people find that it helps with the pain as well as getting the rest. My challenge is that it will zoink me for a solid 12 hours and I don't hear my kids... not a problem when the King is home but he travels alot this month. I may give it a go while he is home for a week straight. I've only taken them when absolutely exhausted from nights of insomnia. I start another year with insurance so I can head back to massage again without worrying about the out of pocket. Will book an appointment soon. Seriously considering trying a chiropractor who also specializes in acupuncture. Need to get my bloodwork and mammogram appointments settled first. Trying not to overschedule myself but with kids in soccer 5 times a week it can be tough.

Thanks for bearing with me and my complaining. I have been trying hard not to post when I feel like total crap. I do realize how blessed I am that this is not a condition that will take my life. I do know that there are others who have far worse burdens to bear. I'm doing what I can to work through the grief of losing who I was and trying to find the new me in all this.

Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

I don't have anything brilliant to share to make you understand FMS. I'm still trying to come to a full understanding of it myself. I think I'm finally in the grieving stage after struggling with this diagnosis for over a year now. It's not a fun stage. I'm missing the old me and all that I used to be able to accomplish, plan to do, do for my family, think, etc. I'm feeling lost and having a time coming to terms with who I am now and what I am good for. I waffle between frustration, depression and sometimes slip into denial. Denial isn't a smart move because than I push myself too hard and pay for it for days.

I was I had the solution to living my best life in spite of this torment. I'm not there yet. I hope I will get there. I hope I will find the right combination of alternative therapies to cope with the challenges that FMS brings to my life. Meantime I'm doing the best I can......

Who beat me up?

I feel like someone beat the life out of me last night. My whole body aches. It hurts to walk, to move, to type, to breath. I have to get the Jester to his first soccer game tonight. I'm still single parenting as the King is away til tomorrow, home briefly and then gone again. My brain is fried. I'm sick of pain. I can't find a silver lining anywhere.

What is FMS?

Some good information about Fibromyalgia that is written in plain english. Many in my own family don't understand it. With Fibromyalgia Awareness Day coming up on May 12th, I thought I'd do what I can to help others grasp why I can be such a whiner.

Losing it

I can't cope with this pain. It keeps getting worse. I feel so useless. My patience is very thin. I hate myself. I hate trying to function through gritted teeth. I wish the meds didn't put me in such a haze. I don't know what to do or how to cope anymore. I feel so alone in this horrible thing. God help me.

Still having hand challenges

I've still been having quite a bit of hand pain. It makes typing difficult. The weather has been up and down so I'm sure that plays a part in it. Along with the hand pain comes my regular pains. Didn't have a huge flare up as a result of PMS this go around. We were without water due to a water main break for 2 days which made it harder to manage the day without my hot shower. I think the Sierra Sil helps because I felt worse when I stopped taking it for a week. Wish I could be pain free. It really wears on a person. Having hand pain really isolates me from my imaginary cyber world and we all know that the real life people lost patience with my illness long ago. The King is gone alot in the next while. Soccer has started so I'm doing all I can to make it through. The house could be falling apart as a result but I just can't manage it all and soccer seems to matter the most to the royal family at the moment.

In a nutshell... what Fibro is.....

Not my hands!!!

Yesterday I had such pain in my wrists, finger joints and elbows that I could not even type or navigate the laptop without cringing. You know that I'm in trouble when I can't use the computer. ;) I tried dream cream and finally hot packs to get some relief. After making supper I could scarcely hold a cup without biting back the tears. I spent the night heating and reheating my miracle bag to wrap it around one hand and then place that warm wrapped hand on top of the other. It is much better today. Thank God. I cannot begin to imagine how I will cope if this becomes a new regular part of my roving pain. My hips and neck are bothering me today. I can feel pain starting in my right shoulder and will get off the 'puter before it descends down my arm. *sigh*

Spring Snowstorm

I'm in agony. Yesterday was a gloomy day that slowly turned to cold and rainy which transformed into snow by about 10:00 pm. It's damp and cold. My body is rebelling. I can barely move today. I'm trying to get the strength to head back upstairs and crawl into the bath. I wish I had a spa in my living room right now. I guess a good part about this is I was able to anticipate that I'd be in bad shape today and rescheduled an appointment. The old me would have pushed myself to keep the appointment and suffered terribly for it.

Sheesh... was knocked out til almost 11:20 am today. Did not hear the kids and the King this morning. First noise that roused me was the secondary school out for lunch. The weather is nice so there are throngs of noisy kids walking down our street to get to the stores on main. Hip pain is gone but I feel groggy still. Need to get my act together soon as it is early dismissal today. The Princess has piano. Better hit the shower.

It feels like my right hip has been torn from it's socket. The pain shoots out from the pelvis down to rest in the knee, shoots down again and rests in the ankle. It is keeping me from sleep tonight so I came down and took a amitriptyline. It seems to help with both pain and sleep. They knock me out pretty good so I don't take them very often. I hope that it won't take long to kick in. Meantime, I'll watch Sarah's Cottage on PVR. I love Sarah Richardson's shows. I also love PVR, it makes my insomnia nights so much better. No more watching crazy reality shows, shopping channel or late night reruns.

It's a beautiful day!

The sun is shining and it's warm enough to have the windows open. I can hardly believe it. The dog is basking in the sun on the back deck. I just finished make 50 meatballs which means I will have several batches for the freezer to use on my can't muster the energy to cook days. YIPPEE!

Last night I had some wrist, elbow and shoulder pain on the right side. I used the dream cream and the hot pack most of the night. Today it's still really tender and I should probably get the hot pack out as soon as I'm done this post. I can't think of anything I did to strain that arm. Maybe I'm having sympathy pains for the Prince and his broken wrist. Who knows. I'm proud of myself for pushing through it and getting the meatballs made. I did not want to waste my good energy today by letting that pain keep me from accomplishing anything. I do know that that is about all my arm can handle today so the laundry baskets will have to wait for the King to bring upstairs for me.

Going to rest and look at gardening ideas. Hope you are having a blessed day!

Spring???

Do I dare say it? The forecast for this week is all above 0 temps. Is it possible that spring has finally come to the great white north? I sure hope so. The cold wreaks havoc with my fibro and the up and down temps are almost too much to try to cope with bodywise. Spring and summer are definitely better for me so I hope that this is it.

I've just finished week 2 of my herbs and I feel like I have more energy. I am having some pain in my shoulder area and my knees have their moments. My pelvis area isn't as bad as it was mid-March so maybe things are looking up.

I'm cautiously optimistic. I always feel dramatically better once AF has left the building.

Sleep...at last.

Took an amitriptyline at about 12:30 last night, fell asleep about 30 minutes later and slept til noon today. I've not been in a very good frame of mind of late. I'm lonely and I have been feeling so poorly physically. Trying to cope with my pain has made me edgy and miserable, add AF into the mix and you've got a less than pleasant Queen. We've had some family stresses to deal with as well in regards to the Jester's education. A comment made during one of our meetings really sent me down the "you have failed as his mom" path. It is my interpretation of what was said and I need to work through that.

The rest of the royal family is away right now, including the dog. I was supposed to join the King while the kids were at the grandparents. However, his one meeting turned into 2 days of meetings and it seemed pointless for me to sit in a hotel room feeling like crap when I could just stay home. We felt bad canceling the kennel on such short notice as she went above and beyond to find space for us. We'd like to go away in the summer and we totally trust this dog ranch to take care of our sweet escape artist. To maintain our relationship there we decided to send her anyway.

It's far too quiet. I have no plans and will likely take another amitripyline earlier tonight so I can just sleep again. I know I'm sleep deprived and that causes more pain and irritability. It seems like a waste of 2 days but spring cleaning will send me into a worse state physically and I don't have anyone to hang out with. It's spring break and people are away or frankly it's too much drama or pressure for me to try to be well and make plans. No one wants to hear about my woes anyway.

Warning: WHINING BIG TIME

Warning this isn't a warm and fuzzy post. I'm frustrated with the circumstances of life right now. I canceled my massage for today. I really needed to be there but I have to wait til May when my extended health kicks back in. We need to seriously look at getting the Jester into some tutoring and it's $$$$$$$$$$. It always falls to me to make the sacrifices so there will be no massages until I can get reimbursed by insurance again, back to dying my own hair for awhile and I'll likely have to give up my nails. I want to stamp my foot like a 2 year old and cry.

It's not fair that the King has had to take a 5% rollback to help keep others in his company employed. He does this but I wonder what for as it sure seems like he is the only one putting in the extra time and effort while the rest of them check out early, take vacation days and don't do their job. He is now having to run around and do things not in his job description like shipping and receiving because someone, whose job he helped to save by taking the rollback, is too busy which is code for doing the bare minimum. He works like crazy and we have to deal with him being away quite a bit and what is the reward for it????? So someone who doesn't value their job enough to do it gets to keep it?? I know that it will all pay off some day but right now I'm just sick and tired of him being so busy, of me having to bear the brunt of his stress, of having to cut back........ I know, I'm a spoiled brat but I went years being the one who had hair cuts a few times a year, the only new clothes came from my Mom which left style to be desired, nothing for my enjoyment... I've loved feeling like I deserve to be treated like a lady. Don't get me wrong I hardly go shopping all the time (frankly I rarely feel like leaving my house) but I was grateful for the ability to get a massage when I felt horrid, feel pampered by having my nails done (which is also the only time I get to converse with another woman face to face) and getting my hair cut and colored. When you feel like crap all the time it's these small things that can be a light in your long days.

So excuse me while I pout and act like a brat for awhile. I can hardly do this in real life so I need to put it out there before I implode.

Wham!

She arrives with a vengeance sucking all my energy and giving me more pain. Man, I hate this! The King and I were going to sneak away for a few days this week. He has work to do but I thought a change of scenery would be nice. Blah! Now I'm dreading the travel, strange bed and packing. I hope that my massage tomorrow will give me some pain relief.

Weekly update

Tomorrow it will be a week since I started back on my herbs and added the new one, Sierra Sil. I have to say that my mood has improved and I'm feeling more like myself mentally. For my mood to be improving this week is no small feat because I should be in the throes of PMS. I think my energy levels are getting better as well. I need to work on managing my stress and pacing myself. Why is this such an impossible thing for me?

Today I purchased some Gardener's Dream Cream - Hallelujah. I noticed on the website that several Sangsters stores carried it so decided to check out the one I got my Sierra Sil from. They have revamped their packaging so I thought that I might have missed in on the shelf when I was there last week. They did not have it in stock and did not carry it. When I told her that the website said other Sangsters did she phoned one in the next city and then had her husband pick it up from there as he was in that city. It was well worth the extra trip back to the city tonight to pick it up as I can feel it working in my knees already. She said that she will now make sure to carry the product. I am very thankful for the special effort she and her husband took to get me this product. They will definitely be my first stop for my herbs and supps. She also encouraged me to try a sample of Natural Calm so we shall see how that goes.

The King talked to some representatives from Yame Tea who were in the store with samples of their line of tea. We ended up purchasing some of that as well. I was pleasantly surprised that it lacked that bitter quality you often find with green tea. I need to cut back, if not eliminate my coffee addiction and this tea supposedly has great benefits. I was most interested in it's relaxing qualities for sleep as well as potential relief of joint pain. I'll keep you posted on it's effectiveness. If it does nothing else but help me to get to sleep better than it is worth it.

Stairs

In a perfect life I would live in a house with one floor but with a family of 6 I don't see how that will ever be a reality. My dream is for a home with a master bedroom and laundry room on the main floor. There would be a laundry chute and the kids would continue to be responsible for getting their clothes back to their rooms. Currently we live in a duplex that consists of many stairs... I have to take 14 stairs up to get to my room and 14 stairs to get to the laundry area. That means 28 stairs to take a load down plus 14 up to the living area again, back down 14 to put in dryer, up 14 to get to main floor and back down 14 to fold...you get the idea. While this doesn't sound like much to a normal person to someone in fibro flare you might as well be asking them to run the Boston marathon. It is just that daunting some days.

With our family we have to do laundry daily or it becomes an insurmountable mountain. My kids are begrudgingly helping but unless I keep on them asking if they have put on a load, switched it over, folded it, etc it just doesn't seem to happen. The oldest 2 have their rooms down there so I really don't understand why it is such a difficult task. They can see the laundry explosion, it's impossible to miss when they are going to their rooms. I've been such a mess lately that I just haven't been nagging them about every single step. The problem with that is that the bare minimal is getting done. It seems like every other day the King is out of underwear (am I ever regretting my purging of all his ratty stuff these days) or I'm out of socks. My kids are spoiled by the grandparents and have more clothes than they know what to do with. The littles could likely go 3 weeks before they'd run out of things to wear. The olders would be left a little shorter in the bottoms department due to their constant growth spurts but they'd fare ok ignoring the laundry for at least 2 weeks.

I just don't know what to do. Lately if I push myself to do some of the simplest things I'm in worse shape than I was to begin with. Some days personal hygiene, getting supper on the table and lunches packed for the next day is all I can manage. Truth be told that is most days lately. If I have to leave the house for any reason than I'm even more exhausted. It sucks but it is what my life is right now. I really need my family to pick up the slack but it's not happening. I'm tired of being the evil mother who is constantly demanding that they do their chores. We've done lists, contracts, etc. They know what is required of them but they count on my pathetic memory and when I'm feeling like crap I think they totally take advantage of that and then do the barest minimum of their chores. I'm so tired of it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I give up. Seriously... I'm just done.

So 56 stairs later.. and I'm exhausted. That only resulted in 1 load folded, 1 load put in the dryer, 1 load in the wash and sorting.... I have about 4 loads in just jeans sitting down there, add at least 2 in towels, 3 more in colors and whites and 2 loads of delicates. I don't even want to think of all those steps.

Off to email the King and tell him to buy himself some more underwear or start entertaining the idea of going commando.

Moving forward...

I had a massage today. Joyce has almost had to start over with me. My reaction to the healing by fire really did a number on my nervous system. She said she could feel my body shaking when I was just relaying the experience. We got some work done today but there is only so much one can do in an hour. I will go back next week.

I'm feeling a bit more energetic. I definitely think that is the Greens+ because I felt that way when I was taking them prior to the chinese herbs.

My knees have been really giving me grief and I have a ton of stress in my jaw, shoulders and neck. I've been good at drinking my water. I also took my bath in dead sea salts tonight. I wish my tub held the heat for longer. Why do newer tubs not hold the heat?

I'm feeling more and more at peace about my decision to not continue with Dr. X. I'm trying to give myself some grace as I work back through this rough patch into a place where I feel more in control of my affliction.

Today I'm thankful for my husband who is so patient and understanding through all of this and for my angel Joyce and her healing hands.

Herbal Supplements

I'm on day 3 of my Omega 3+ Joy and my mood has definitely improved. I feel awful... thank you wet spring snowstorm... but not blue.

Saturday I started taking the following again:

Cal-Mag Complete (with zinc, C and D)
Hi- Potency B- Complex
Remember FX
Cell FX
Omega 3 + Joy
Greens +

I also added a new product that has rave reviews:

Sierra Sil

I will see how it goes. I want to give it a good month and will manage my pain with my massage therapy. Come May I will start my new year of extended health insurance and will possibly go back to acupuncture.

I'm really hurting this weekend and need to find someone who carries a good topical treatment. I haven't been able to find my Gardeners Dream Cream or Bio-Freeze and I'm really missing it. I've tried Lakota but it starts to burn like mad and Tiger Balm isn't cutting it.

I have naproxen and some OTC muscle relaxant that can help take a bit of the edge off but it is never complete relief.

Now if I can just survive this awful damp that is in the air with this lovely snowstorm I'd be much happier. Who am I kidding, we don't see true spring til at least April.

I broke up with Dr. X

We had an appointment scheduled for next week. I came home yesterday from another appointment (my nails which means a couple of hours of adult conversation with a lady who has also become a friend)to a message from the Wellness centre wanting to reschedule my appointment due to a family crisis for Dr. X. (I know kick him while he's down but I doubt he'll notice when I don't return) I had a frank conversation with M (she's the one that talked me through my psycho Ricky Bobby moment) and said I just feel like he's not hearing me and I need someone who has some more empathy and understanding. I don't think it's an awful thing that "I so sensitive" and the fact that I went into panic attack and had to cancel my last appointment shows me that the trust factor is gone between me and Dr. X. She was understanding and told me to do what is best for me! I scheduled a massage for next Tuesday with my angel Joyce.

Dr. X only works Mondays at the Wellness and Joyce doesn't work those days so I likely won't see him again. I'm sorry for his family troubles and do wish him the best. I appreciate what he has done for me but I don't feel I should have to compromise my feelings and beliefs because he is so set and his ways. There is a serious communication breakdown between us which is likely due to language and the fact that he just wants me to do everything according to his ways.

My sweet nail lady gave me the number and name of another acupuncturist that her friend sees and she drives from a city 1.5+ hours away to go there. I looked them up online and what impresses me from the get go is the information on the site and their leaning towards education. I think that was most frustrating for me with Dr. X, I had to go home and google like a madwoman to figure out what he was saying and why he wanted to do certain things. I'm going to give them a call and book a consult. Then I will see what I decide to do. In the meantime, I'm going to go back to my western herbs as I know they were making me feel better. I'll try to post more about that regimine this weekend (give me some grace as I may forget).

In full out flare!

I'm in a major flare at the moment. Took me a few days to realize it. I have horrid fog and unless it's written down or someone is reminding me I'm a mess. I hurt, I'm depressed and miserable.

I need to get a hold of my triggers and manage them better. I think the greatest reason I'm in the place I am is my inability to manage stress. I've been getting down and really frustrated with all this. Add life on top of that and I'm letting everything send me down. The King has had to travel quite a bit and with him being my only source of human contact and support this days it makes it harder on me.

I think that I'm going to look for another acupuncturist. I've decided that I have the right to not have to listen to his mumbo jumbo tape, to have him know who I am without having to read my file, to not feel less than because I'm sensitive and to not be left in the room alone when you do a strange new treatment on me that sends me off the deep end in a new realm of anxiety and fear. He can't be the only acupuncturist that has success dealing with people with fibro. I've read of others who have had good results. Now I have to source out someone new. My insurance is up til May so I have some time to sort this out. Meantime I may or may not see Dr. X for some straight acupuncture treatments.

I decided to start taking my Omega 3 + Joy again. Today is my first day. It made me feel so good and I only went off it because Dr. X didn't want anything interfering with his herbs. I don't believe his herbs are helping me at the moment and I've told him as much. I just can't hang on like this waiting for a maybe upswing again. I'm at the end of it mentally.

What do you think? Am I giving up? Should I hang in there with Dr. X? Is it about time I went another way? I just wish there was some clear path to take. *sigh*

My head is killing me

I thought I was starting an upswing but that was short lived. I'm really foggy today so I hope this makes sense. Last night I tried one of the sleeping pills my doctor had given me quite some time ago. I've never tried it before but I really needed to just sleep and I was in so much pain last night. It took awhile to take effect but it then knocked me out til almost 11:30 am :(... obviously not something I can take on a regular basis.

Yesterday I totally crashed all day. I'm so sore and weak. I'm extremely frustrated as well. I'm at a loss as to what to do with my treatment. I just wish there was a clear course of action to take that would give me the results I so desperately want.

Couldn't do it...

I just couldn't bring myself to go to Dr. X this morning. I was getting anxious again, the weather is pure crap and I just couldn't do it. I called and canceled. My next scheduled appointment is 2 weeks from now. I'm just so conflicted. I want to be well but my anxiety is through the roof this morning. I don't have anxiety attacks. I've done depression but not this panic thing. It's not comfortable territory for me at all. I'm not sleeping without aid of something this past week. I'm tired today.

Help me Tom Cruise!!!

I'm starting to have some anxiety about my appointment with Dr. X on Monday. I really feel like I need to commit to this line of treatment. I'm trusting and hoping that I will see the results I had in December in the very near future. However, I'm terrified of the Barbie fire pit and the smoking cigar. HRH said he would come with me to my appointment so that makes me feel a little bit better. He said he wanted to be there if I had another Ricky Bobby meltdown heh... he's joking.... at least I think he is... he will laugh me through the process and the fact that he's a firefighter should ensure that I won't be set on fire. I just hope I don't have some teenage wasteland flashback reaction again. It's too darn cold for me to be running around in my underwear.....



I'm having some sleep issues again but AF has left the building so I'm feeling a bit stronger physically. We've been in blizzard mode here so that always reeks havoc with my body but I'd say today was a better day than most have been lately.

Trying to fight off the plague

I've been doing all that I can to fight off the plague that the King has had. I'm starting to worry that it is setting in as it hurts to breathe. I don't have a sore throat, cough or runny nose but last night I had horrible pain whenever I took a deep breath. I also had weird pain down my sides starting around the boob area and running down a few inches. My energy is zero and I've been having trouble sleeping again. This morning was a complete write off for me as it hurt whenever I took a good breath. I had to get my act together to get supper on early as we had PTA tonight. I had to get some support to unload this fundraiser that has been a bust with the parents. Unfortunately PTA lasted forever because we had our illustrious school trustee aka our mayor and rambling moron grace us with his presence for too long. I came home to AF, thank goodness the my liner held out as I wasn't expecting her arrival. (I only took my laptop bag and not my purse tonight. Could have had a jr. high flashback!! :S) So now I'm not sure what to think about my struggles- fighting off the King's disease or just my pms hell or maybe a mix of both.

I wish I wasn't having trouble sleeping again. I should have maybe booked a massage this week but it's a short week with school (early dismissal and friday off) so I didn't bother. I don't even want to go see Dr. X on Monday. I need to sort out how I feel about that all still. I'm thinking that my 2 x a day herbs are preventing me from sleep even though he has told me before they shouldn't keep me up. I try to take my first dose when I first wake up, which has been pretty consistently 930 am (shocking) but I don't always remember because I'm braindead these days. Then I try to take my 2nd round before the kids get home from school but again that doesn't always happen until I see my reminder on the fridge when I'm cooking supper.

I really should try to go to sleep. It seems that when I'm laying flat that my breathing pain is worse but when I prop up on a bunch of pillows I can't sleep. *sigh* I know I'm a whining baby. I'm getting really tired of feeling like total crap and my silver lining ability is pretty much non-existent.

Starting to feel a bit more human

Today I baked cookies (from scratch and not the bucket o' dough as I have been doing lately), had everything prepped to throw stew in the oven and was showered by 11:00 am. No, I didn't wet the bed. I slept on the hide-a- bed in the living room because the King has some chainsaw throat, hacking plague and I think I just might die if I catch it so I'm doing all I can to avoid the germs. The kids were super quiet this morning but I did wake up to them moving around which is nothing short of a miracle considering I took pain meds last night and didn't get to sleep til after 2. It is bitter cold tonight and I can feel it everywhere. I hope I can fall asleep soon. I'm back on the hide-a-bed as the King has been working while trying to beat this thing so it's hanging on for dear life. He needs to rest and has finally turned off his crackberry, apparently some of his emails late last night were less than coherent and his co-workers told him to go to bed and just say no to crackberry plus cold meds. I hope he can sleep in some tomorrow. He tried yesterday but had 150 messages by early afternoon so then tried to get caught up again. Please pray that I can fend off his plague.

Today was a not bad day in terms of pain, fog and energy. I'm tired and achy tonight but the cold (-33 C with the wind and dampness) really wrecks havoc with my body so that is to be expected. I wish we could move back to the desert but it's even cold there this winter.

Some days I just want to cry

I got rid of my self-acupuncture pads late last night. My ear was aching and I'd had enough of the headache from Monday already. I felt so out of sorts still and was hoping that I'd alleviate at least one of my symptoms by taking those retched bandaids of pain off. My headache is gone as well as my earache. Thank the Lord! I had to take something for the pain last night which made me sleep like a log once it kicked in.

Since I woke without a headache and feeling a bit better for the first time in over a week I got right to things and hopped in the shower right away (I normally have to muster up the strength to do this and I dawdle around in my jammies for a few hours first). The laundry basket was overflowing so I hauled it downstairs (normally I'd call on the King but he is not feeling well today). I nearly slipped on my way down the basement stairs which should of been my first indication that I should not venture down there. I could not believe the mess. The Prince and the Princess had been assigned the task of keeping up with the laundry by the King. They'd been read the royal riot act earlier this past week when he ventured down to the dungeon for something and saw the disaster (laundry and their rooms). So they'd had a week to get their act together and were even grounded from TV a few nights so they could do so. Unfortunately the King did not follow up and check their work. I just couldn't bear the stress of a disaster this past week. I knew that any stress would send me off the deep end physically so I avoided the dungeon. I asked them several times if they washed this load or that load, if there were more things to wash, etc. The Prince even chose to stay home while we ran errands on Saturday so he could catch up on all the laundry and his other chores (fools we are... he obviously played Wii and watched TV only doing the chores that would be most noticeable to us).

I'm so disappointed on so many levels. *sigh* I had been fooled into thinking that the Prince was actually learning how hard this is on me and had decided to take a more responsible approach to his chores and a more respectful way in treating me. He had spent 4 days with the royal grandparents and came back with some humility and a better attitude (fool I am to think that would last but thankful that my Mom had some empathy for me and that my Dad took the time to spend some time with his oldest grandson one on one). The Princess is starting to slack in the helping department but I think that is largely due to the Prince treating her like Cinderella at times and expecting her to do it all. I try to stay on top of that but she carries the burden rather than sharing it because she sees I'm suffering. I hate that she feels the need to try to protect me and I need to talk to her again about letting me be the parent despite my situation. It has been so hard for me to not be all my family needs me to be. Some days it takes everything I have to ensure that their is dinner on the table, lunches made, homework done and everyone is where they need to be that night. Many days that is all I am able to accomplish. I feel like I fail them often. I've learned to let some of the small things go and I do not have the house I used to have in the way of cleanliness, organization, over the top meals and homemade things for lunches.

So here I sit wishing for a laundry fairy and mourning, once again, what I once was.

Still not feeling like myself

I accomplished very little today. I took my herbs, did my acupressure points, my self-acupuncture, a shower, rested, made supper and lunches for tomorrow. I felt lightheaded and still kind of out of body most of the day. I don't know what the deal is. I hope tomorrow is better than this.

Get me out of here!

Yesterday was Dr. X day. I was not all that enthusiastic about going and really wanted to stay home under the blankets. It started snowing like crazy and I just wasn't feeling great. The King drove me as he had a few things to do and figured he'd get them done while I was getting my treatment. Things started off as usual and he said he would teach me to do somethings to help with my stagnant "cold" (TCM divides things into "cold", "heat", "wind", "damp", etc) which is what is causing me to not feel so great. He checked my pulse points and tongue, remarked at my weight loss and how I look younger. We proceeded to the room where he does acupuncture where he put more needles in my hands than usual and 2 in my face, which he had never done before and I have to admit it freaked me out a little. I was feeling pretty relaxed and he left the room. Shortly he returned with a Barbie sized chimenia and some white string. He said he was going to teach me something for my "cold". Next thing I know the chimenia is strapped to my belly with the white cord which was elastic, it was tight and not comfortable at all. Then he wets a piece of the tissue I'm laying on and puts it under the chimenia pot. He proceeds to light a cigar like thing which instantly smelled disgusting. He explains to me that it is perfectly safe and if it feels hot I can move it up and it will relieve the heat feeling, that I'm to use this for 20 minutes. He puts it in the chimney of the chiminea and leaves the room.

After I don't know how much time I start to feel the heat, it's not just hot but feels like it is burning. I raise the cigar up and wait, no relief, raise it more and still no relief. I started to freak out as it felt like my stomach was burning. I thought to myself that I can't take it right out of the chimney because I'm laying on tissue paper and I'll be on fire if an ash hits it. I call for the doctor and all I can hear is the buzzing of the machines at the drycleaners next door. Tears start pouring out of my eyes like you turned a tap on, my breathing is erratic, I push the heat lamp away from me (all the while it is difficult to even use my hands as I have so many needles in them and in my elbow joint, there is some shooting pain with my frantic actions. I holler again for the doctor and finally the receptionist comes in. I tell her that I'm burning and I need this thing off me. He comes in while still on the cell phone, sees the river of tears and she tells him that I want it off. I say it's burning, he shows me how to raise it and I freak and tell him to get it off. He says "ok, ok... you ok. Relax, why you so sensitive?" He takes it off and leaves!!!!! I'm in full blown panic attack by now and so thankful that sweet M, the receptionist comes back and helps to calm me down. I want these needles out and I want to go home. I was in full blown caged animal terror and panic attack like I never remember ever experiencing. She assures me that while there is a red mark it doesn't look too bad. M talks me through some deep breathing and gets me calmer. She then gets him to come and take the needles out and tries to explain to him that I've had a panic attack (he is off the phone now). He removes the needles, does some massaging of my forehead and pulls my ears, asks if I ok and tells me again "you ok". He tells me to relax and lay still, leaves the room again. M asks if I'm ok and goes as well.

I get up and phone the King, all I said was "you need to pick me up now", it's only been an hour since he dropped me off. He asks no questions and comes. (He was in the next city so it took a little bit). M talks to me again, is so sweet and understanding. Dr. X comes back and explains to me that I was not burning and how I need this treatment to get rid of the cold. He says next time... I look at him like he is insane. M says that if I decide to try it again that she will sit with me through it. She is so apologetic about everything, I was not given the bell (never have been before and didn't even know it was an option) and says she is so sorry she did not check on me earlier. Dr. X says I need to trust him and work with him or he can't help me. I feel like I'm out of my body. M is my advocate and talks to him about how the experience and how I've been feeling. She asks him if he notices an improvement in me, even though I feel like I've gone backwards. He tries to explain like he has to me before and then he goes and comes back with a paper. He says his english is not so good and if I read this maybe I understand better. It is obviously translated from chinese and the english is a bit off but it makes sense. I feel better about continuing the treatment but I'm not so sure about the smoking cigar. I get my herbs and my King arrives to rescue me.

We have to go back to the city as he did not get everything done. I'm totally exhausted and lay back in my seat dozing while he does his thing. We have to hit Costco to buy food for the breakfast program at the school, I'm embarrassed that I'm in yoga pants (I never wear that kind of thing anywhere but to my therapy appointments (acupuncture and massage) because I go straight home) but the King says not to worry about it as I still look better than most people who are dressed in real clothes. (love that guy). By the time we get home I'm so exhausted I can barely think straight. I have barely an hour before the crew gets home from school and I'm out of it on the couch. I was just done for the rest of the night and my sweet King even made dinner. I had some trouble getting to sleep and ended up taking a pill. I have some self-acupuncture pads in my ear and when I layed a certain way while I was tossing and turning I'd feel the effects of 6 little pricks poking into my ear at once. He claims I will be able to keep them 1-2 weeks but I can't see that happening. I will have to cover my ear when I shower and I do that daily so I don't know how long they will last.

I did some research on this "cold" stagnant thing and it lines up with the things I've been feeling. Typical treatment is moxibustion which seems to be similar to what he was trying to do. I don't know why I had such a strong emotional reaction to it. I have not been prone to anxiety or panic attacks. It was a terrifying experience and not one that I want to repeat any time soon.

Disappointment

I had to cancel lunch with a friend today. I'm really disappointed because it's not something we are able to do often. Who am I kidding.. it's not that I have a heap of friends irl. She was very understanding but I still feel awful canceling. We were meeting in a nearby town and the thought of doing my hair, driving (means I can't even take OTC pain meds, yes my tolerance is that low) was just way too much for me today. I hate it that my body is grieving me so right now. It hurts around the muscles in my chest when I take a breath this morning. I'm going to have to break down and take something which will mean a loopy few hours but hopefully it will take the edge off the owies.

It has been a difficult week and my energy levels are so low. I feel like I am losing my mind at times because my brain is so foggy. There are times when I could swear I've had a certain conversation or sent an email or even made a blog post but it has never happened. Makes me feel like I'm on the edge of dementia at times. I need to get back onto my lists to keep things in order. I haven't had to do that for a long while and got out of habit.

I just don't know what to do anymore. On Monday I see Dr. X again and I'm going to talk to him about the herbs. I'm obviously missing something that I had in my concoction in December. I just don't know why it went from helping me so much to it seemingly having zero effect. I'm starting to slip into a bit of the blues which isn't a place I ever like to go. It's just been difficult to go from feeling so great to being back to this. This is not the life I want but it is the one I have. I need to find a way to get on top of this mentally and spiritually. Right now I feel like I'm wallowing but I'm so darn tired I can't seem to muster the strength to fight.

Wiped

I'm so very tired today. I did go to be late last night (waiting for the King to return from a meeting) but I slept well. Still have the new pain and have that general 'blah I feel sick feeling' going on.

It's a gorgeous blue sky day today so that keeps my spirits ups. I'm pining for spring and am scheming ways to freshen up our decor in the living room. I've already schemed a new bathroom look and how I want to rearrange our bedroom (now I need to have the energy to shop and do the work). So today I will give myself a break and rest.

To my dear friends that have me on reader, thanks for putting up with my whining. I know this has been more of a whine blog than anything since I started but I'm hoping for better days. This kind of talk therapy helps me some and I appreciate you listening. When my head is clearer I will finish my posts about the kinds of treatment I've tried and the success or lack thereof in them.

New Pain

I have new pain lately under my arm pits and down the sides as well as from shoulder blade to shoulder blade. It feels like I'm deeply bruised and it is tender to touch, clothes, laying down on my back or sides... yeah sleeping is a challenge. I've been trying to keep it all in as last week was busy with school activities and the Princess had her birthday festivities this weekend. Last night I could not sleep as a result of the pain which of course leaves me so exhausted in the morning. I don't think the King was very appreciative of the timing of this latest sleepless night as he needed me up this morning and had a hard time waking me. That always makes me feel like a failure as a Mom and a wife ( I put that on me, he doesn't even though I know he gets frustrated).

This week is my personal week of appointments that are supposed to make me feel good - hair and nails, even lunch with a friend. It's something that I've not done for years and an important part of me finding time for myself and feeling better. I honestly don't know how I'm going to swing it all and would rather just crawl back into bed. Can you believe I'm dreading doing stuff that I wasn't able to do for me for years? Yeah, I'm that pathetic. *sigh*

I just wish that I could get on top of this again. Part of me almost wishes I never had that glimpse of normal life- little pain, good energy, etc back in December. I was coping better with these limitations and frustrations before that. I'm really down on myself and I know that I push things too far sometimes because my family so enjoyed me being normal. I just don't know what to do.

Frustration

I'm a big old whiner this week. I'm so frustrated that I can't get on top of this pain. December was such an amazing month and my hopes were up so high that I'd finally found a way to manage this all. January was difficult and February is not looking very promising. I've spent all my insurance coverage for both massage and acupuncture... everything now is out of pocket until May. This doesn't put us into great hardship (just fewer dates or entertainment which is a sacrifice that both of us are willing to make for my health). I just see it as a waste when I don't seem to be seeing results. I'm so frustrated. I know that sometimes you get worse to feel better and that my body has years of anti-depressants to clear out, years of holding onto hurts, disappointments and failures to let go of. I realize that this is more than just a body thing but I'm having such a time getting to the optimistic/positive side of it all when I've been suffering so much. Yes I know it could be so much worse and I'm so grateful that my affliction will not take me from my family. I know I should be patient and persevere but I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of letting my family down. And if I hear "Oh, you're not feeling well again" from some friend I'm going to scream (don't ask me how I'm doing if you don't care to know).

I'm off to see my massage therapist. It's that bad that I've already forked out $84 this week that I'm willing to shell out another $70. *sigh*

Slow to rise

I'm not a fan of mornings. My internal clock woke me at 9:00 a.m., which is such an improvement over how much I was sleeping prior to my Dr. X adventures in late November. However, my body is rebelling against me today. Coming down the stairs was "ow, ow, ow... oh crap... ow, ow" every step of the way. I feel like I need a walker today....sigh... my hips are killing. I really want to crawl back into bed but that would require going upstairs and I don't think I can do it. I'll just rest awhile and hope it goes away.

I have cookies to bake today for the Jester's class party on Friday. I was going to do sugar cookie lollipops but I don't think I can manage the rolling today. Thankfully I have a bucket of ginger cookie dough from the school fundraiser so I will make those into cookie lollipops without the heart shape. The Jester wants to ice them and put sprinkles on. Tomorrow I have PTA running around to do and then have to put together a fruit tray for the Little Prince's class party (how lucky I was to get their class assignments for the same holiday party...gah... at least it's done with for the year right?)

I wish I could find it

My energy has disappeared and I so wish I could find it. I'm exhausted after doing the simplest things like grooming. gah Upside is I'm not sleeping til 10:00 am because I was up til 4. My clock seems to have reset itself for 9 am and I'm ok with that right now. I'm so thankful for my awesome husband who takes care of the morning routine with the kids. What a blessing that he works from home and is able to do that for me, for us, for them. I know many men who would grumble even if they were working from home because that is not their "job" but my man is such a hands on parent. So often during my hell I think he is the better parent. I try not to beat myself up for that and be grateful for it.....but it's hard when your bodys fails and you feel like you fail everyone you care about in the process. AF has left the building and my pain has subsided greatly. Dr. X. really did a number on me yesterday with my pressure points. My hips are still rather tender from the acupressure and subsequent acupuncture. My generalized all over body achiness is better though so I'll take the pain where I have it over the it-hurts-to-wear-clothes pain.

I will do my best to take it easy today and try to find my energy. I have to prepare food for Valentines parties on Friday for the Jester and the Little Prince, deal with a monthly PTA fundraiser on Thursday and get a birthday present for our Princess sometime this week. The King has taken care of the birthday events. He will be taking the Princess to Apple school on Saturday, they are taking a Jam class. Then on Sunday we've made arrangements to take her 2 BFFs to the matinee and the Marble Slab for birthday ice cream. No pressure on me to feel good and entertain a houseful of girls. YEAH!

I'm so glad we decided to do our Valentine's cards early. This year it was individual popcorn packets (we have no allergies in either class this year) for the Jester and the Little Prince's classes. We made wrap around labels from construction paper that they decorated and wrote the names on. I know I could have had something done that looked fancy but I really think that the Valentine's should be done by them not me. Princess found a scrappin kit to make cards for her girls and then recycled some left over store bought ones for the boys in her class, she put together little treat bags with erasers, candy and popcorn. The Princess even had two things of XO soap squirrelled away, from a stash of Valentine's day goodies that Auntie C sent her from CA a few years ago, to give to her teachers.

I'd better run and take my herbs before I forget about them.

Today was my weekly appointment with Dr. X (he is a traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) doctor and acupuncturist). I was feeling really lousy after my horrible week. I asked him what he thought of the correlation of worse pain and the week before AF and the arrival of. He was proud of me for being able to make a connection and said that we can work on that and hopefully next time I won't have such a horrid week. He asked if I did my homework - I have various pressure points that I need to massage when I'm experiencing pain. I can't seem to rub them as hard as he does (ouch!) but I do my best. It works best when my hubs does it for me. We also talked about my weight loss and I joked with him that my husband wants him to put those weight loss needles in another spot because I'm losing too much boobage. I bought new bras in late November and I can literally put a fist in the gap space that I now have in them. I'm going to try to hold off another month or so before investing in new bras (why are they so freakin expensive?). I may have to resort to socks to fill out the space lol.

It was a very long appointment today, I'm not sure if he forgot about me or just decided that I needed to be a pin cushion for longer than usual but my bladder was ready to burst by the time he came in and removed the needles. After my needles I go to have my head steamed with an herbal concotion on it. I come out of there with some dang sexy hair! Just as I was about to sit in the steam chair I grabbed my left temple as it was throbbing. He right away asked if I was okay and I said I had a sharp pain and headache all of a sudden. He said not to worry and he rubbed my forehead, pulled my ears and then tapped on various places on my head (totally bizarre but the pain went away so I'm gonna roll with it). I came out of the wellness center to snow...blah.... I had hoped we were seeing an end to winter.

I'm always tired on acupuncture days and wish I had time for a nap but school will be out soon. At least I have made supper already so I can just relax with the kids til it is time to throw it in the oven.

Sometimes I'm a little slow

I've finally figured out that there can be a correlation between pms and the dreaded arrival of AF (Auntie Flo for those not in the know) and increased fibro symptoms. Doh! My pain increases the week prior and the first bit after she arrives. I also struggle with the blues (something I'm normally on top of these days which is a far cry from where I was even a year ago...I haven't even used my blue light therapy this winter). Of course I'm so grumpy, noise sensitivity is at the top (try finding quiet in this house before 10 or 11 pm) and generally not pleasant to be around. Now that I've finally figured it out I need to see what I can do to alleviate things.

And so it begins

I have been really feeling the need to talk through my struggles lately. I have difficulty doing this in my real life. I'm not dying and while this affliction robs me of so many things I know that I am so blessed compared to the health struggles that many have. So I decided to make this a place where I can come as some faceless and nameless person in cyberspace, where I cannot be judged by the looky- loos that know me irl (when you've been labeled a hypochondriac by crazies who think they know you it's hard to be honest and real about how you feel) or feel like I'm burdening those that know me in cyberspace with my whining.

I've been battling this officially (that means doctor diagnosis) for about a year but when I look back at things I can see this has been a part of my life for so much longer. I am blessed that I finally found a doctor who listened to me and is open to me trying other ways of managing this than painkillers, antidepressants and drugs. (I know that those things work wonders for many but I personally need to exhaust all other options before I can consider going back on anti-depressants (which nearly killed me). My tolerance for pain meds is very low and a mother of 4 has a hard time being an incoherent zombie). I'll share more about my treatment later.