Frustration

I'm a big old whiner this week. I'm so frustrated that I can't get on top of this pain. December was such an amazing month and my hopes were up so high that I'd finally found a way to manage this all. January was difficult and February is not looking very promising. I've spent all my insurance coverage for both massage and acupuncture... everything now is out of pocket until May. This doesn't put us into great hardship (just fewer dates or entertainment which is a sacrifice that both of us are willing to make for my health). I just see it as a waste when I don't seem to be seeing results. I'm so frustrated. I know that sometimes you get worse to feel better and that my body has years of anti-depressants to clear out, years of holding onto hurts, disappointments and failures to let go of. I realize that this is more than just a body thing but I'm having such a time getting to the optimistic/positive side of it all when I've been suffering so much. Yes I know it could be so much worse and I'm so grateful that my affliction will not take me from my family. I know I should be patient and persevere but I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of letting my family down. And if I hear "Oh, you're not feeling well again" from some friend I'm going to scream (don't ask me how I'm doing if you don't care to know).

I'm off to see my massage therapist. It's that bad that I've already forked out $84 this week that I'm willing to shell out another $70. *sigh*