Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Warning this isn't a warm and fuzzy post. I'm frustrated with the circumstances of life right now. I canceled my massage for today. I really needed to be there but I have to wait til May when my extended health kicks back in. We need to seriously look at getting the Jester into some tutoring and it's $$$$$$$$$$. It always falls to me to make the sacrifices so there will be no massages until I can get reimbursed by insurance again, back to dying my own hair for awhile and I'll likely have to give up my nails. I want to stamp my foot like a 2 year old and cry.

It's not fair that the King has had to take a 5% rollback to help keep others in his company employed. He does this but I wonder what for as it sure seems like he is the only one putting in the extra time and effort while the rest of them check out early, take vacation days and don't do their job. He is now having to run around and do things not in his job description like shipping and receiving because someone, whose job he helped to save by taking the rollback, is too busy which is code for doing the bare minimum. He works like crazy and we have to deal with him being away quite a bit and what is the reward for it????? So someone who doesn't value their job enough to do it gets to keep it?? I know that it will all pay off some day but right now I'm just sick and tired of him being so busy, of me having to bear the brunt of his stress, of having to cut back........ I know, I'm a spoiled brat but I went years being the one who had hair cuts a few times a year, the only new clothes came from my Mom which left style to be desired, nothing for my enjoyment... I've loved feeling like I deserve to be treated like a lady. Don't get me wrong I hardly go shopping all the time (frankly I rarely feel like leaving my house) but I was grateful for the ability to get a massage when I felt horrid, feel pampered by having my nails done (which is also the only time I get to converse with another woman face to face) and getting my hair cut and colored. When you feel like crap all the time it's these small things that can be a light in your long days.

So excuse me while I pout and act like a brat for awhile. I can hardly do this in real life so I need to put it out there before I implode.

Monday, March 30, 2009


She arrives with a vengeance sucking all my energy and giving me more pain. Man, I hate this! The King and I were going to sneak away for a few days this week. He has work to do but I thought a change of scenery would be nice. Blah! Now I'm dreading the travel, strange bed and packing. I hope that my massage tomorrow will give me some pain relief.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Weekly update

Tomorrow it will be a week since I started back on my herbs and added the new one, Sierra Sil. I have to say that my mood has improved and I'm feeling more like myself mentally. For my mood to be improving this week is no small feat because I should be in the throes of PMS. I think my energy levels are getting better as well. I need to work on managing my stress and pacing myself. Why is this such an impossible thing for me?

Today I purchased some Gardener's Dream Cream - Hallelujah. I noticed on the website that several Sangsters stores carried it so decided to check out the one I got my Sierra Sil from. They have revamped their packaging so I thought that I might have missed in on the shelf when I was there last week. They did not have it in stock and did not carry it. When I told her that the website said other Sangsters did she phoned one in the next city and then had her husband pick it up from there as he was in that city. It was well worth the extra trip back to the city tonight to pick it up as I can feel it working in my knees already. She said that she will now make sure to carry the product. I am very thankful for the special effort she and her husband took to get me this product. They will definitely be my first stop for my herbs and supps. She also encouraged me to try a sample of Natural Calm so we shall see how that goes.

The King talked to some representatives from Yame Tea who were in the store with samples of their line of tea. We ended up purchasing some of that as well. I was pleasantly surprised that it lacked that bitter quality you often find with green tea. I need to cut back, if not eliminate my coffee addiction and this tea supposedly has great benefits. I was most interested in it's relaxing qualities for sleep as well as potential relief of joint pain. I'll keep you posted on it's effectiveness. If it does nothing else but help me to get to sleep better than it is worth it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


In a perfect life I would live in a house with one floor but with a family of 6 I don't see how that will ever be a reality. My dream is for a home with a master bedroom and laundry room on the main floor. There would be a laundry chute and the kids would continue to be responsible for getting their clothes back to their rooms. Currently we live in a duplex that consists of many stairs... I have to take 14 stairs up to get to my room and 14 stairs to get to the laundry area. That means 28 stairs to take a load down plus 14 up to the living area again, back down 14 to put in dryer, up 14 to get to main floor and back down 14 to fold...you get the idea. While this doesn't sound like much to a normal person to someone in fibro flare you might as well be asking them to run the Boston marathon. It is just that daunting some days.

With our family we have to do laundry daily or it becomes an insurmountable mountain. My kids are begrudgingly helping but unless I keep on them asking if they have put on a load, switched it over, folded it, etc it just doesn't seem to happen. The oldest 2 have their rooms down there so I really don't understand why it is such a difficult task. They can see the laundry explosion, it's impossible to miss when they are going to their rooms. I've been such a mess lately that I just haven't been nagging them about every single step. The problem with that is that the bare minimal is getting done. It seems like every other day the King is out of underwear (am I ever regretting my purging of all his ratty stuff these days) or I'm out of socks. My kids are spoiled by the grandparents and have more clothes than they know what to do with. The littles could likely go 3 weeks before they'd run out of things to wear. The olders would be left a little shorter in the bottoms department due to their constant growth spurts but they'd fare ok ignoring the laundry for at least 2 weeks.

I just don't know what to do. Lately if I push myself to do some of the simplest things I'm in worse shape than I was to begin with. Some days personal hygiene, getting supper on the table and lunches packed for the next day is all I can manage. Truth be told that is most days lately. If I have to leave the house for any reason than I'm even more exhausted. It sucks but it is what my life is right now. I really need my family to pick up the slack but it's not happening. I'm tired of being the evil mother who is constantly demanding that they do their chores. We've done lists, contracts, etc. They know what is required of them but they count on my pathetic memory and when I'm feeling like crap I think they totally take advantage of that and then do the barest minimum of their chores. I'm so tired of it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I give up. Seriously... I'm just done.

So 56 stairs later.. and I'm exhausted. That only resulted in 1 load folded, 1 load put in the dryer, 1 load in the wash and sorting.... I have about 4 loads in just jeans sitting down there, add at least 2 in towels, 3 more in colors and whites and 2 loads of delicates. I don't even want to think of all those steps.

Off to email the King and tell him to buy himself some more underwear or start entertaining the idea of going commando.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Moving forward...

I had a massage today. Joyce has almost had to start over with me. My reaction to the healing by fire really did a number on my nervous system. She said she could feel my body shaking when I was just relaying the experience. We got some work done today but there is only so much one can do in an hour. I will go back next week.

I'm feeling a bit more energetic. I definitely think that is the Greens+ because I felt that way when I was taking them prior to the chinese herbs.

My knees have been really giving me grief and I have a ton of stress in my jaw, shoulders and neck. I've been good at drinking my water. I also took my bath in dead sea salts tonight. I wish my tub held the heat for longer. Why do newer tubs not hold the heat?

I'm feeling more and more at peace about my decision to not continue with Dr. X. I'm trying to give myself some grace as I work back through this rough patch into a place where I feel more in control of my affliction.

Today I'm thankful for my husband who is so patient and understanding through all of this and for my angel Joyce and her healing hands.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Herbal Supplements

I'm on day 3 of my Omega 3+ Joy and my mood has definitely improved. I feel awful... thank you wet spring snowstorm... but not blue.

Saturday I started taking the following again:

Cal-Mag Complete (with zinc, C and D)
Hi- Potency B- Complex
Remember FX
Cell FX
Omega 3 + Joy
Greens +

I also added a new product that has rave reviews:

Sierra Sil

I will see how it goes. I want to give it a good month and will manage my pain with my massage therapy. Come May I will start my new year of extended health insurance and will possibly go back to acupuncture.

I'm really hurting this weekend and need to find someone who carries a good topical treatment. I haven't been able to find my Gardeners Dream Cream or Bio-Freeze and I'm really missing it. I've tried Lakota but it starts to burn like mad and Tiger Balm isn't cutting it.

I have naproxen and some OTC muscle relaxant that can help take a bit of the edge off but it is never complete relief.

Now if I can just survive this awful damp that is in the air with this lovely snowstorm I'd be much happier. Who am I kidding, we don't see true spring til at least April.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I broke up with Dr. X

We had an appointment scheduled for next week. I came home yesterday from another appointment (my nails which means a couple of hours of adult conversation with a lady who has also become a friend)to a message from the Wellness centre wanting to reschedule my appointment due to a family crisis for Dr. X. (I know kick him while he's down but I doubt he'll notice when I don't return) I had a frank conversation with M (she's the one that talked me through my psycho Ricky Bobby moment) and said I just feel like he's not hearing me and I need someone who has some more empathy and understanding. I don't think it's an awful thing that "I so sensitive" and the fact that I went into panic attack and had to cancel my last appointment shows me that the trust factor is gone between me and Dr. X. She was understanding and told me to do what is best for me! I scheduled a massage for next Tuesday with my angel Joyce.

Dr. X only works Mondays at the Wellness and Joyce doesn't work those days so I likely won't see him again. I'm sorry for his family troubles and do wish him the best. I appreciate what he has done for me but I don't feel I should have to compromise my feelings and beliefs because he is so set and his ways. There is a serious communication breakdown between us which is likely due to language and the fact that he just wants me to do everything according to his ways.

My sweet nail lady gave me the number and name of another acupuncturist that her friend sees and she drives from a city 1.5+ hours away to go there. I looked them up online and what impresses me from the get go is the information on the site and their leaning towards education. I think that was most frustrating for me with Dr. X, I had to go home and google like a madwoman to figure out what he was saying and why he wanted to do certain things. I'm going to give them a call and book a consult. Then I will see what I decide to do. In the meantime, I'm going to go back to my western herbs as I know they were making me feel better. I'll try to post more about that regimine this weekend (give me some grace as I may forget).

Thursday, March 19, 2009

In full out flare!

I'm in a major flare at the moment. Took me a few days to realize it. I have horrid fog and unless it's written down or someone is reminding me I'm a mess. I hurt, I'm depressed and miserable.

I need to get a hold of my triggers and manage them better. I think the greatest reason I'm in the place I am is my inability to manage stress. I've been getting down and really frustrated with all this. Add life on top of that and I'm letting everything send me down. The King has had to travel quite a bit and with him being my only source of human contact and support this days it makes it harder on me.

I think that I'm going to look for another acupuncturist. I've decided that I have the right to not have to listen to his mumbo jumbo tape, to have him know who I am without having to read my file, to not feel less than because I'm sensitive and to not be left in the room alone when you do a strange new treatment on me that sends me off the deep end in a new realm of anxiety and fear. He can't be the only acupuncturist that has success dealing with people with fibro. I've read of others who have had good results. Now I have to source out someone new. My insurance is up til May so I have some time to sort this out. Meantime I may or may not see Dr. X for some straight acupuncture treatments.

I decided to start taking my Omega 3 + Joy again. Today is my first day. It made me feel so good and I only went off it because Dr. X didn't want anything interfering with his herbs. I don't believe his herbs are helping me at the moment and I've told him as much. I just can't hang on like this waiting for a maybe upswing again. I'm at the end of it mentally.

What do you think? Am I giving up? Should I hang in there with Dr. X? Is it about time I went another way? I just wish there was some clear path to take. *sigh*

Monday, March 16, 2009

My head is killing me

I thought I was starting an upswing but that was short lived. I'm really foggy today so I hope this makes sense. Last night I tried one of the sleeping pills my doctor had given me quite some time ago. I've never tried it before but I really needed to just sleep and I was in so much pain last night. It took awhile to take effect but it then knocked me out til almost 11:30 am :(... obviously not something I can take on a regular basis.

Yesterday I totally crashed all day. I'm so sore and weak. I'm extremely frustrated as well. I'm at a loss as to what to do with my treatment. I just wish there was a clear course of action to take that would give me the results I so desperately want.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Couldn't do it...

I just couldn't bring myself to go to Dr. X this morning. I was getting anxious again, the weather is pure crap and I just couldn't do it. I called and canceled. My next scheduled appointment is 2 weeks from now. I'm just so conflicted. I want to be well but my anxiety is through the roof this morning. I don't have anxiety attacks. I've done depression but not this panic thing. It's not comfortable territory for me at all. I'm not sleeping without aid of something this past week. I'm tired today.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Help me Tom Cruise!!!

I'm starting to have some anxiety about my appointment with Dr. X on Monday. I really feel like I need to commit to this line of treatment. I'm trusting and hoping that I will see the results I had in December in the very near future. However, I'm terrified of the Barbie fire pit and the smoking cigar. HRH said he would come with me to my appointment so that makes me feel a little bit better. He said he wanted to be there if I had another Ricky Bobby meltdown heh... he's joking.... at least I think he is... he will laugh me through the process and the fact that he's a firefighter should ensure that I won't be set on fire. I just hope I don't have some teenage wasteland flashback reaction again. It's too darn cold for me to be running around in my underwear.....

I'm having some sleep issues again but AF has left the building so I'm feeling a bit stronger physically. We've been in blizzard mode here so that always reeks havoc with my body but I'd say today was a better day than most have been lately.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Trying to fight off the plague

I've been doing all that I can to fight off the plague that the King has had. I'm starting to worry that it is setting in as it hurts to breathe. I don't have a sore throat, cough or runny nose but last night I had horrible pain whenever I took a deep breath. I also had weird pain down my sides starting around the boob area and running down a few inches. My energy is zero and I've been having trouble sleeping again. This morning was a complete write off for me as it hurt whenever I took a good breath. I had to get my act together to get supper on early as we had PTA tonight. I had to get some support to unload this fundraiser that has been a bust with the parents. Unfortunately PTA lasted forever because we had our illustrious school trustee aka our mayor and rambling moron grace us with his presence for too long. I came home to AF, thank goodness the my liner held out as I wasn't expecting her arrival. (I only took my laptop bag and not my purse tonight. Could have had a jr. high flashback!! :S) So now I'm not sure what to think about my struggles- fighting off the King's disease or just my pms hell or maybe a mix of both.

I wish I wasn't having trouble sleeping again. I should have maybe booked a massage this week but it's a short week with school (early dismissal and friday off) so I didn't bother. I don't even want to go see Dr. X on Monday. I need to sort out how I feel about that all still. I'm thinking that my 2 x a day herbs are preventing me from sleep even though he has told me before they shouldn't keep me up. I try to take my first dose when I first wake up, which has been pretty consistently 930 am (shocking) but I don't always remember because I'm braindead these days. Then I try to take my 2nd round before the kids get home from school but again that doesn't always happen until I see my reminder on the fridge when I'm cooking supper.

I really should try to go to sleep. It seems that when I'm laying flat that my breathing pain is worse but when I prop up on a bunch of pillows I can't sleep. *sigh* I know I'm a whining baby. I'm getting really tired of feeling like total crap and my silver lining ability is pretty much non-existent.