Showing posts with label whining. Show all posts
Showing posts with label whining. Show all posts
Monday, May 4, 2009
Who beat me up?
I feel like someone beat the life out of me last night. My whole body aches. It hurts to walk, to move, to type, to breath. I have to get the Jester to his first soccer game tonight. I'm still single parenting as the King is away til tomorrow, home briefly and then gone again. My brain is fried. I'm sick of pain. I can't find a silver lining anywhere.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Warning: WHINING BIG TIME
Warning this isn't a warm and fuzzy post. I'm frustrated with the circumstances of life right now. I canceled my massage for today. I really needed to be there but I have to wait til May when my extended health kicks back in. We need to seriously look at getting the Jester into some tutoring and it's $$$$$$$$$$. It always falls to me to make the sacrifices so there will be no massages until I can get reimbursed by insurance again, back to dying my own hair for awhile and I'll likely have to give up my nails. I want to stamp my foot like a 2 year old and cry.
It's not fair that the King has had to take a 5% rollback to help keep others in his company employed. He does this but I wonder what for as it sure seems like he is the only one putting in the extra time and effort while the rest of them check out early, take vacation days and don't do their job. He is now having to run around and do things not in his job description like shipping and receiving because someone, whose job he helped to save by taking the rollback, is too busy which is code for doing the bare minimum. He works like crazy and we have to deal with him being away quite a bit and what is the reward for it????? So someone who doesn't value their job enough to do it gets to keep it?? I know that it will all pay off some day but right now I'm just sick and tired of him being so busy, of me having to bear the brunt of his stress, of having to cut back........ I know, I'm a spoiled brat but I went years being the one who had hair cuts a few times a year, the only new clothes came from my Mom which left style to be desired, nothing for my enjoyment... I've loved feeling like I deserve to be treated like a lady. Don't get me wrong I hardly go shopping all the time (frankly I rarely feel like leaving my house) but I was grateful for the ability to get a massage when I felt horrid, feel pampered by having my nails done (which is also the only time I get to converse with another woman face to face) and getting my hair cut and colored. When you feel like crap all the time it's these small things that can be a light in your long days.
So excuse me while I pout and act like a brat for awhile. I can hardly do this in real life so I need to put it out there before I implode.
It's not fair that the King has had to take a 5% rollback to help keep others in his company employed. He does this but I wonder what for as it sure seems like he is the only one putting in the extra time and effort while the rest of them check out early, take vacation days and don't do their job. He is now having to run around and do things not in his job description like shipping and receiving because someone, whose job he helped to save by taking the rollback, is too busy which is code for doing the bare minimum. He works like crazy and we have to deal with him being away quite a bit and what is the reward for it????? So someone who doesn't value their job enough to do it gets to keep it?? I know that it will all pay off some day but right now I'm just sick and tired of him being so busy, of me having to bear the brunt of his stress, of having to cut back........ I know, I'm a spoiled brat but I went years being the one who had hair cuts a few times a year, the only new clothes came from my Mom which left style to be desired, nothing for my enjoyment... I've loved feeling like I deserve to be treated like a lady. Don't get me wrong I hardly go shopping all the time (frankly I rarely feel like leaving my house) but I was grateful for the ability to get a massage when I felt horrid, feel pampered by having my nails done (which is also the only time I get to converse with another woman face to face) and getting my hair cut and colored. When you feel like crap all the time it's these small things that can be a light in your long days.
So excuse me while I pout and act like a brat for awhile. I can hardly do this in real life so I need to put it out there before I implode.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Wham!
She arrives with a vengeance sucking all my energy and giving me more pain. Man, I hate this! The King and I were going to sneak away for a few days this week. He has work to do but I thought a change of scenery would be nice. Blah! Now I'm dreading the travel, strange bed and packing. I hope that my massage tomorrow will give me some pain relief.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Stairs
In a perfect life I would live in a house with one floor but with a family of 6 I don't see how that will ever be a reality. My dream is for a home with a master bedroom and laundry room on the main floor. There would be a laundry chute and the kids would continue to be responsible for getting their clothes back to their rooms. Currently we live in a duplex that consists of many stairs... I have to take 14 stairs up to get to my room and 14 stairs to get to the laundry area. That means 28 stairs to take a load down plus 14 up to the living area again, back down 14 to put in dryer, up 14 to get to main floor and back down 14 to fold...you get the idea. While this doesn't sound like much to a normal person to someone in fibro flare you might as well be asking them to run the Boston marathon. It is just that daunting some days.
With our family we have to do laundry daily or it becomes an insurmountable mountain. My kids are begrudgingly helping but unless I keep on them asking if they have put on a load, switched it over, folded it, etc it just doesn't seem to happen. The oldest 2 have their rooms down there so I really don't understand why it is such a difficult task. They can see the laundry explosion, it's impossible to miss when they are going to their rooms. I've been such a mess lately that I just haven't been nagging them about every single step. The problem with that is that the bare minimal is getting done. It seems like every other day the King is out of underwear (am I ever regretting my purging of all his ratty stuff these days) or I'm out of socks. My kids are spoiled by the grandparents and have more clothes than they know what to do with. The littles could likely go 3 weeks before they'd run out of things to wear. The olders would be left a little shorter in the bottoms department due to their constant growth spurts but they'd fare ok ignoring the laundry for at least 2 weeks.
I just don't know what to do. Lately if I push myself to do some of the simplest things I'm in worse shape than I was to begin with. Some days personal hygiene, getting supper on the table and lunches packed for the next day is all I can manage. Truth be told that is most days lately. If I have to leave the house for any reason than I'm even more exhausted. It sucks but it is what my life is right now. I really need my family to pick up the slack but it's not happening. I'm tired of being the evil mother who is constantly demanding that they do their chores. We've done lists, contracts, etc. They know what is required of them but they count on my pathetic memory and when I'm feeling like crap I think they totally take advantage of that and then do the barest minimum of their chores. I'm so tired of it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I give up. Seriously... I'm just done.
So 56 stairs later.. and I'm exhausted. That only resulted in 1 load folded, 1 load put in the dryer, 1 load in the wash and sorting.... I have about 4 loads in just jeans sitting down there, add at least 2 in towels, 3 more in colors and whites and 2 loads of delicates. I don't even want to think of all those steps.
Off to email the King and tell him to buy himself some more underwear or start entertaining the idea of going commando.
With our family we have to do laundry daily or it becomes an insurmountable mountain. My kids are begrudgingly helping but unless I keep on them asking if they have put on a load, switched it over, folded it, etc it just doesn't seem to happen. The oldest 2 have their rooms down there so I really don't understand why it is such a difficult task. They can see the laundry explosion, it's impossible to miss when they are going to their rooms. I've been such a mess lately that I just haven't been nagging them about every single step. The problem with that is that the bare minimal is getting done. It seems like every other day the King is out of underwear (am I ever regretting my purging of all his ratty stuff these days) or I'm out of socks. My kids are spoiled by the grandparents and have more clothes than they know what to do with. The littles could likely go 3 weeks before they'd run out of things to wear. The olders would be left a little shorter in the bottoms department due to their constant growth spurts but they'd fare ok ignoring the laundry for at least 2 weeks.
I just don't know what to do. Lately if I push myself to do some of the simplest things I'm in worse shape than I was to begin with. Some days personal hygiene, getting supper on the table and lunches packed for the next day is all I can manage. Truth be told that is most days lately. If I have to leave the house for any reason than I'm even more exhausted. It sucks but it is what my life is right now. I really need my family to pick up the slack but it's not happening. I'm tired of being the evil mother who is constantly demanding that they do their chores. We've done lists, contracts, etc. They know what is required of them but they count on my pathetic memory and when I'm feeling like crap I think they totally take advantage of that and then do the barest minimum of their chores. I'm so tired of it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I give up. Seriously... I'm just done.
So 56 stairs later.. and I'm exhausted. That only resulted in 1 load folded, 1 load put in the dryer, 1 load in the wash and sorting.... I have about 4 loads in just jeans sitting down there, add at least 2 in towels, 3 more in colors and whites and 2 loads of delicates. I don't even want to think of all those steps.
Off to email the King and tell him to buy himself some more underwear or start entertaining the idea of going commando.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Some days I just want to cry
I got rid of my self-acupuncture pads late last night. My ear was aching and I'd had enough of the headache from Monday already. I felt so out of sorts still and was hoping that I'd alleviate at least one of my symptoms by taking those retched bandaids of pain off. My headache is gone as well as my earache. Thank the Lord! I had to take something for the pain last night which made me sleep like a log once it kicked in.
Since I woke without a headache and feeling a bit better for the first time in over a week I got right to things and hopped in the shower right away (I normally have to muster up the strength to do this and I dawdle around in my jammies for a few hours first). The laundry basket was overflowing so I hauled it downstairs (normally I'd call on the King but he is not feeling well today). I nearly slipped on my way down the basement stairs which should of been my first indication that I should not venture down there. I could not believe the mess. The Prince and the Princess had been assigned the task of keeping up with the laundry by the King. They'd been read the royal riot act earlier this past week when he ventured down to the dungeon for something and saw the disaster (laundry and their rooms). So they'd had a week to get their act together and were even grounded from TV a few nights so they could do so. Unfortunately the King did not follow up and check their work. I just couldn't bear the stress of a disaster this past week. I knew that any stress would send me off the deep end physically so I avoided the dungeon. I asked them several times if they washed this load or that load, if there were more things to wash, etc. The Prince even chose to stay home while we ran errands on Saturday so he could catch up on all the laundry and his other chores (fools we are... he obviously played Wii and watched TV only doing the chores that would be most noticeable to us).
I'm so disappointed on so many levels. *sigh* I had been fooled into thinking that the Prince was actually learning how hard this is on me and had decided to take a more responsible approach to his chores and a more respectful way in treating me. He had spent 4 days with the royal grandparents and came back with some humility and a better attitude (fool I am to think that would last but thankful that my Mom had some empathy for me and that my Dad took the time to spend some time with his oldest grandson one on one). The Princess is starting to slack in the helping department but I think that is largely due to the Prince treating her like Cinderella at times and expecting her to do it all. I try to stay on top of that but she carries the burden rather than sharing it because she sees I'm suffering. I hate that she feels the need to try to protect me and I need to talk to her again about letting me be the parent despite my situation. It has been so hard for me to not be all my family needs me to be. Some days it takes everything I have to ensure that their is dinner on the table, lunches made, homework done and everyone is where they need to be that night. Many days that is all I am able to accomplish. I feel like I fail them often. I've learned to let some of the small things go and I do not have the house I used to have in the way of cleanliness, organization, over the top meals and homemade things for lunches.
So here I sit wishing for a laundry fairy and mourning, once again, what I once was.
Since I woke without a headache and feeling a bit better for the first time in over a week I got right to things and hopped in the shower right away (I normally have to muster up the strength to do this and I dawdle around in my jammies for a few hours first). The laundry basket was overflowing so I hauled it downstairs (normally I'd call on the King but he is not feeling well today). I nearly slipped on my way down the basement stairs which should of been my first indication that I should not venture down there. I could not believe the mess. The Prince and the Princess had been assigned the task of keeping up with the laundry by the King. They'd been read the royal riot act earlier this past week when he ventured down to the dungeon for something and saw the disaster (laundry and their rooms). So they'd had a week to get their act together and were even grounded from TV a few nights so they could do so. Unfortunately the King did not follow up and check their work. I just couldn't bear the stress of a disaster this past week. I knew that any stress would send me off the deep end physically so I avoided the dungeon. I asked them several times if they washed this load or that load, if there were more things to wash, etc. The Prince even chose to stay home while we ran errands on Saturday so he could catch up on all the laundry and his other chores (fools we are... he obviously played Wii and watched TV only doing the chores that would be most noticeable to us).
I'm so disappointed on so many levels. *sigh* I had been fooled into thinking that the Prince was actually learning how hard this is on me and had decided to take a more responsible approach to his chores and a more respectful way in treating me. He had spent 4 days with the royal grandparents and came back with some humility and a better attitude (fool I am to think that would last but thankful that my Mom had some empathy for me and that my Dad took the time to spend some time with his oldest grandson one on one). The Princess is starting to slack in the helping department but I think that is largely due to the Prince treating her like Cinderella at times and expecting her to do it all. I try to stay on top of that but she carries the burden rather than sharing it because she sees I'm suffering. I hate that she feels the need to try to protect me and I need to talk to her again about letting me be the parent despite my situation. It has been so hard for me to not be all my family needs me to be. Some days it takes everything I have to ensure that their is dinner on the table, lunches made, homework done and everyone is where they need to be that night. Many days that is all I am able to accomplish. I feel like I fail them often. I've learned to let some of the small things go and I do not have the house I used to have in the way of cleanliness, organization, over the top meals and homemade things for lunches.
So here I sit wishing for a laundry fairy and mourning, once again, what I once was.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Still not feeling like myself
I accomplished very little today. I took my herbs, did my acupressure points, my self-acupuncture, a shower, rested, made supper and lunches for tomorrow. I felt lightheaded and still kind of out of body most of the day. I don't know what the deal is. I hope tomorrow is better than this.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Wiped
I'm so very tired today. I did go to be late last night (waiting for the King to return from a meeting) but I slept well. Still have the new pain and have that general 'blah I feel sick feeling' going on.
It's a gorgeous blue sky day today so that keeps my spirits ups. I'm pining for spring and am scheming ways to freshen up our decor in the living room. I've already schemed a new bathroom look and how I want to rearrange our bedroom (now I need to have the energy to shop and do the work). So today I will give myself a break and rest.
To my dear friends that have me on reader, thanks for putting up with my whining. I know this has been more of a whine blog than anything since I started but I'm hoping for better days. This kind of talk therapy helps me some and I appreciate you listening. When my head is clearer I will finish my posts about the kinds of treatment I've tried and the success or lack thereof in them.
It's a gorgeous blue sky day today so that keeps my spirits ups. I'm pining for spring and am scheming ways to freshen up our decor in the living room. I've already schemed a new bathroom look and how I want to rearrange our bedroom (now I need to have the energy to shop and do the work). So today I will give myself a break and rest.
To my dear friends that have me on reader, thanks for putting up with my whining. I know this has been more of a whine blog than anything since I started but I'm hoping for better days. This kind of talk therapy helps me some and I appreciate you listening. When my head is clearer I will finish my posts about the kinds of treatment I've tried and the success or lack thereof in them.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
New Pain
I have new pain lately under my arm pits and down the sides as well as from shoulder blade to shoulder blade. It feels like I'm deeply bruised and it is tender to touch, clothes, laying down on my back or sides... yeah sleeping is a challenge. I've been trying to keep it all in as last week was busy with school activities and the Princess had her birthday festivities this weekend. Last night I could not sleep as a result of the pain which of course leaves me so exhausted in the morning. I don't think the King was very appreciative of the timing of this latest sleepless night as he needed me up this morning and had a hard time waking me. That always makes me feel like a failure as a Mom and a wife ( I put that on me, he doesn't even though I know he gets frustrated).
This week is my personal week of appointments that are supposed to make me feel good - hair and nails, even lunch with a friend. It's something that I've not done for years and an important part of me finding time for myself and feeling better. I honestly don't know how I'm going to swing it all and would rather just crawl back into bed. Can you believe I'm dreading doing stuff that I wasn't able to do for me for years? Yeah, I'm that pathetic. *sigh*
I just wish that I could get on top of this again. Part of me almost wishes I never had that glimpse of normal life- little pain, good energy, etc back in December. I was coping better with these limitations and frustrations before that. I'm really down on myself and I know that I push things too far sometimes because my family so enjoyed me being normal. I just don't know what to do.
This week is my personal week of appointments that are supposed to make me feel good - hair and nails, even lunch with a friend. It's something that I've not done for years and an important part of me finding time for myself and feeling better. I honestly don't know how I'm going to swing it all and would rather just crawl back into bed. Can you believe I'm dreading doing stuff that I wasn't able to do for me for years? Yeah, I'm that pathetic. *sigh*
I just wish that I could get on top of this again. Part of me almost wishes I never had that glimpse of normal life- little pain, good energy, etc back in December. I was coping better with these limitations and frustrations before that. I'm really down on myself and I know that I push things too far sometimes because my family so enjoyed me being normal. I just don't know what to do.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Frustration
I'm a big old whiner this week. I'm so frustrated that I can't get on top of this pain. December was such an amazing month and my hopes were up so high that I'd finally found a way to manage this all. January was difficult and February is not looking very promising. I've spent all my insurance coverage for both massage and acupuncture... everything now is out of pocket until May. This doesn't put us into great hardship (just fewer dates or entertainment which is a sacrifice that both of us are willing to make for my health). I just see it as a waste when I don't seem to be seeing results. I'm so frustrated. I know that sometimes you get worse to feel better and that my body has years of anti-depressants to clear out, years of holding onto hurts, disappointments and failures to let go of. I realize that this is more than just a body thing but I'm having such a time getting to the optimistic/positive side of it all when I've been suffering so much. Yes I know it could be so much worse and I'm so grateful that my affliction will not take me from my family. I know I should be patient and persevere but I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of letting my family down. And if I hear "Oh, you're not feeling well again" from some friend I'm going to scream (don't ask me how I'm doing if you don't care to know).
I'm off to see my massage therapist. It's that bad that I've already forked out $84 this week that I'm willing to shell out another $70. *sigh*
I'm off to see my massage therapist. It's that bad that I've already forked out $84 this week that I'm willing to shell out another $70. *sigh*
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Slow to rise
I'm not a fan of mornings. My internal clock woke me at 9:00 a.m., which is such an improvement over how much I was sleeping prior to my Dr. X adventures in late November. However, my body is rebelling against me today. Coming down the stairs was "ow, ow, ow... oh crap... ow, ow" every step of the way. I feel like I need a walker today....sigh... my hips are killing. I really want to crawl back into bed but that would require going upstairs and I don't think I can do it. I'll just rest awhile and hope it goes away.
I have cookies to bake today for the Jester's class party on Friday. I was going to do sugar cookie lollipops but I don't think I can manage the rolling today. Thankfully I have a bucket of ginger cookie dough from the school fundraiser so I will make those into cookie lollipops without the heart shape. The Jester wants to ice them and put sprinkles on. Tomorrow I have PTA running around to do and then have to put together a fruit tray for the Little Prince's class party (how lucky I was to get their class assignments for the same holiday party...gah... at least it's done with for the year right?)
I have cookies to bake today for the Jester's class party on Friday. I was going to do sugar cookie lollipops but I don't think I can manage the rolling today. Thankfully I have a bucket of ginger cookie dough from the school fundraiser so I will make those into cookie lollipops without the heart shape. The Jester wants to ice them and put sprinkles on. Tomorrow I have PTA running around to do and then have to put together a fruit tray for the Little Prince's class party (how lucky I was to get their class assignments for the same holiday party...gah... at least it's done with for the year right?)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
And so it begins
I have been really feeling the need to talk through my struggles lately. I have difficulty doing this in my real life. I'm not dying and while this affliction robs me of so many things I know that I am so blessed compared to the health struggles that many have. So I decided to make this a place where I can come as some faceless and nameless person in cyberspace, where I cannot be judged by the looky- loos that know me irl (when you've been labeled a hypochondriac by crazies who think they know you it's hard to be honest and real about how you feel) or feel like I'm burdening those that know me in cyberspace with my whining.
I've been battling this officially (that means doctor diagnosis) for about a year but when I look back at things I can see this has been a part of my life for so much longer. I am blessed that I finally found a doctor who listened to me and is open to me trying other ways of managing this than painkillers, antidepressants and drugs. (I know that those things work wonders for many but I personally need to exhaust all other options before I can consider going back on anti-depressants (which nearly killed me). My tolerance for pain meds is very low and a mother of 4 has a hard time being an incoherent zombie). I'll share more about my treatment later.
I've been battling this officially (that means doctor diagnosis) for about a year but when I look back at things I can see this has been a part of my life for so much longer. I am blessed that I finally found a doctor who listened to me and is open to me trying other ways of managing this than painkillers, antidepressants and drugs. (I know that those things work wonders for many but I personally need to exhaust all other options before I can consider going back on anti-depressants (which nearly killed me). My tolerance for pain meds is very low and a mother of 4 has a hard time being an incoherent zombie). I'll share more about my treatment later.
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