It's raining, it's pouring....

.... maybe I'd feel better if I was snoring?!?! The rain started overnight. I should have guessed it was coming as I was starting to feel poorly last night. However, we had a really busy weekend with soccer, piano recitals, etc. The King is out of town so that means I have to push it to the limit to get the crew to where they need to be without backup. I tried to take it easy yesterday orchestrating chores, helping the Princess organize her card making materials, supervising piano teacher cards, Father's Day cards and Father's Day crafts. I was still beat by the end of the day. Just as I thought I might finally be able to sleep (I have a hard time falling asleep when the King is absent) the Littlest Prince awoke complaining of a tummy ache. I got him situated in my bed with the royal barf bowl handy. He was restless and it took forever for both of us to get to sleep. He was tired this morning but his tummy was feeling better. I was hurting and knew that the lack of sunshine streaming into the room and the smell of rain, which I love, wafting in the window were to blame. I've had horrible pain across my shoulders the past week or so. Today I can lift my arms but it still hurts like crazy. I had hoped to finally get my routine bloodwork done so I could make a follow up appointment with my doctor and get that B12 shot. However, with the possibility of 2 soccer games tonight (oh how I hope they are rained out) and already feeling beat I just knew that I couldn't do it. It's frustrating to me. When I felt well enough to get the bloodwork done I had a sick child home for a week and then life ran away from me again. The King is away a good portion of June and with 3 boys in soccer 5 days a week, piano, school winding down, etc.... life is just crazy.

I managed to get an appointment on Wednesday for another infra-red body wrap. I'm praying I experience the same kind of results I did the first time. I'm nearing the end of my first of three months of 200mg of Co Enzyme Q10 and 200 mg gingko biloba (recommended in Dr. Alison Bested's book). I don't know for sure if I've experience any benefits of it yet but I'm committed to trying it for the 3 months.

Thanks for the encouraging comments. I'm trying to get better about blogging about my fibro but like everything...doing the best I can. I really appreciate that anyone reads my ramblings.

Does anyone really listen anymore?

I'm tired. This weekend sent me into flare mode. It was likely due to the drop in temperature by 30 degrees F (my American readers get confused when I use Celsius). We had rain and wet snow which never makes life easy for a Fibro girl. I had to attend an event on Sunday that was impossible to miss. My Mom was throwing a bridal shower for my cousin and the Princess is a junior bridesmaid. The King did not want me to go because he knew that I'd be unable to just sit and would be pitching in to help where I could. I tried to do the minimal but when you don't look sick and there are women older than you stepping up while young women sit round. I wasn't raised that way and I just can't do it no matter how much I pay for it later. The Princess was doing all she could to make sure I didn't have to do much but when you are in flare even the most mundane tasks can be too much.

A family member called today and I made the mistake, again, of truthfully answering the "How are you?" question. I don't know why I bother. She doesn't hear me when I try to explain fibromyalgia, she thinks it equates to depression and for me it doesn't. I've been depressed before. I've done the med circuit for post partum depression that morphed into plain old depression. It was the worst time of my life. Yes... even worse than dealing with the hell that is fibro. I can't imagine dealing with fibro and depression as so many of my fellow sufferers do. I am SO grateful that I have not had to deal with them together. I am tired of explaining that there is no magic pill. I'm tired of explaining that I chose not to take pain meds because I have addictive tendencies and very low tolerance for meds. I chose not to live my life in a haze... there are days I wish I could but I know my body and I chose not to put myself or my family through that kind of living. I told her that I over did it when I was already feeling poorly and now that I will have to pay the price for a few days while my body tries to recuperate. She made the comment "that is no way to live". I replied explaining that sometimes you have to do things you shouldn't do because you don't want to let people down. That if it would have been any other occasion on Sunday that I would have excused myself but bridal showers are once in a lifetime events. It is during times like this that I wish my skin would turn green or a neon sign would appear over my head so people would see that the one who doesn't look sick is sick and shouldn't push herself and has sacrificed a lot to be there for your special day and will sacrifice further as she tries to recover from doing to much to make it a special day.

I don't want your pity. I don't want your "cures". I don't want your diagnosis or analysis. I want your understanding. I want you to hear me without telling me stupid things like that is no way to live.... it is a way to live... it is the way I live and many like me live. It is the way our families live. It is not just me who suffers when I am sick... it is my whole family who pays the price.

It's been awhile..

I've have been avoiding this place. I was doing pretty good for much of the fall and started working 2 days a week with the Chiropractor that comes to town from the big city. I managed to hold it together thru to Christmas. I wasn't always feeling great but managed to push through and live life somewhat normally. However, since New Years I've been really suffering. I'm not sleeping, even with the help of sleep aids, I hurt so much when I lay flat and no amount of pillows, propping, heat packs, lotions, etc seem to help. I've been having trouble on and off with my hands, particularly my right one. The other day I was trying to scoop roasted butternut squash out of the shell and could not manage the fine motor skills required to do that simple task. At times I can't open my water bottle or take the foil seal off my yogurt drinks. It's crazy and frustrating. I did get some relief from massage before Christmas when it was really bad. The chiropractor tried to do some treatments with the activator on my arm and hand as I couldn't bear a traditional adjustment. The King ran all the way into the city tonight to get me a new topical cream we saw on a commercial in hopes that it might offer some relief as my heated mittens and Dream Cream were not cutting it. I think the Voltaren helped some as I'm typing this. I guess we will see. The side effects and warnings for a OTC topical cream kind of freak me out so it's not something I want to have to use often. I've been taking Methocarbamol for pain. It's also OTC and while it loops me it isn't as bad as any of the script stuff I've tried. It takes the edge off a bit but doesn't take it all away. I wish there was a magic solution. I'm getting worn out. Day 11 of feeling like crap... no energy and always pain is not fun. I really needed to vent about it so I guess that is why I came here. The weather has changed drastically from the -25 Celsius to the +6 Celsius range which also wrecks havoc with my body. We had a ten degree difference in one day and then it proceeded to go up and down. This week is supposed to be a warm one and then we may head back to the deep freeze. Oh joy... that means my body will adjust to the new temps and then get hit with another whammy. Even the King is feeling the weather change this time and has his own set of hurts.

Looking for strength

I'm into week 3 of every day pain. I'm not very fun to be around. Weeks of gritting my teeth with no relief have me either weeping or lashing out in anger. I'm at the edge of it all. The King wants me to go back to the doctor... again I told him there is not a magic pill to fix this. My experience with meds is not a good one and I really don't need to have more problems. I'm tired. Tired physically, emotionally and spiritually. My brain races but my thoughts are a jumbled mess. I repeat myself with the important things I need to remember for everyone. I have a lot on my plate this month and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. It's not stuff I can slough off for others to do.

Today I'd hope to sleep the day away but I can't fall asleep. So I'm trying to rest... someone's dog won't stop barking but if I close the window I will boil to death.

I miss who I used to be. It seems pointless to even make plans because who knows where I will be at when it comes time to do them.

I had a diet pop without thinking the other day and I know that the rat poison in it is definitely a trigger. I've advised the King to remind me that it's poison to my body if I reach for one again.

It's been awhile.. hello flare!

I haven't missed you at all miserable flare. I was quite enjoying my summer without you. I tried to extend the time between chiro appointments and that was not a good idea. I'm sure last week of rain didn't help any either. Will be back getting adjusted on Tuesday and you'd better take a hike. It was good to feel normal for a bit.

Spring Snowstorm... yet again

brrrr.... it's damp and cold which makes me sore... blah. Had a doctors appointment today for my yearly woman fun. We also talked about my fibro and how the alternative treatments were working, if I'd tried the meds she gave me to help sleep, etc. I admitted that I've been in a bit of a funk since I quit Dr. Voodoo and with that I also stopped massage. I said I feel like I'm in a bit of a grieving stage and learning to not pine for the old me and all I could do. I told her I know that I was neglecting myself and just throwing a bit of a pity party. She said we all do that and it's completely understandable. She said the fibro is such a frustrating condition and sometimes it will seem like there are no answers or solutions. I said that I think I will look for another acupuncturist as I know that it did help me in the beginning. I also recognize that it likely won't heal me but it can help me manage the symptoms better. She is going to do some bloodwork again to see if my RA levels have increased at all. She said I could try taking the Amitriptyline more consistently as some people find that it helps with the pain as well as getting the rest. My challenge is that it will zoink me for a solid 12 hours and I don't hear my kids... not a problem when the King is home but he travels alot this month. I may give it a go while he is home for a week straight. I've only taken them when absolutely exhausted from nights of insomnia. I start another year with insurance so I can head back to massage again without worrying about the out of pocket. Will book an appointment soon. Seriously considering trying a chiropractor who also specializes in acupuncture. Need to get my bloodwork and mammogram appointments settled first. Trying not to overschedule myself but with kids in soccer 5 times a week it can be tough.

Thanks for bearing with me and my complaining. I have been trying hard not to post when I feel like total crap. I do realize how blessed I am that this is not a condition that will take my life. I do know that there are others who have far worse burdens to bear. I'm doing what I can to work through the grief of losing who I was and trying to find the new me in all this.

Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

I don't have anything brilliant to share to make you understand FMS. I'm still trying to come to a full understanding of it myself. I think I'm finally in the grieving stage after struggling with this diagnosis for over a year now. It's not a fun stage. I'm missing the old me and all that I used to be able to accomplish, plan to do, do for my family, think, etc. I'm feeling lost and having a time coming to terms with who I am now and what I am good for. I waffle between frustration, depression and sometimes slip into denial. Denial isn't a smart move because than I push myself too hard and pay for it for days.

I was I had the solution to living my best life in spite of this torment. I'm not there yet. I hope I will get there. I hope I will find the right combination of alternative therapies to cope with the challenges that FMS brings to my life. Meantime I'm doing the best I can......

Who beat me up?

I feel like someone beat the life out of me last night. My whole body aches. It hurts to walk, to move, to type, to breath. I have to get the Jester to his first soccer game tonight. I'm still single parenting as the King is away til tomorrow, home briefly and then gone again. My brain is fried. I'm sick of pain. I can't find a silver lining anywhere.

What is FMS?

Some good information about Fibromyalgia that is written in plain english. Many in my own family don't understand it. With Fibromyalgia Awareness Day coming up on May 12th, I thought I'd do what I can to help others grasp why I can be such a whiner.

Still having hand challenges

I've still been having quite a bit of hand pain. It makes typing difficult. The weather has been up and down so I'm sure that plays a part in it. Along with the hand pain comes my regular pains. Didn't have a huge flare up as a result of PMS this go around. We were without water due to a water main break for 2 days which made it harder to manage the day without my hot shower. I think the Sierra Sil helps because I felt worse when I stopped taking it for a week. Wish I could be pain free. It really wears on a person. Having hand pain really isolates me from my imaginary cyber world and we all know that the real life people lost patience with my illness long ago. The King is gone alot in the next while. Soccer has started so I'm doing all I can to make it through. The house could be falling apart as a result but I just can't manage it all and soccer seems to matter the most to the royal family at the moment.

In a nutshell... what Fibro is.....

It's a beautiful day!

The sun is shining and it's warm enough to have the windows open. I can hardly believe it. The dog is basking in the sun on the back deck. I just finished make 50 meatballs which means I will have several batches for the freezer to use on my can't muster the energy to cook days. YIPPEE!

Last night I had some wrist, elbow and shoulder pain on the right side. I used the dream cream and the hot pack most of the night. Today it's still really tender and I should probably get the hot pack out as soon as I'm done this post. I can't think of anything I did to strain that arm. Maybe I'm having sympathy pains for the Prince and his broken wrist. Who knows. I'm proud of myself for pushing through it and getting the meatballs made. I did not want to waste my good energy today by letting that pain keep me from accomplishing anything. I do know that that is about all my arm can handle today so the laundry baskets will have to wait for the King to bring upstairs for me.

Going to rest and look at gardening ideas. Hope you are having a blessed day!

Spring???

Do I dare say it? The forecast for this week is all above 0 temps. Is it possible that spring has finally come to the great white north? I sure hope so. The cold wreaks havoc with my fibro and the up and down temps are almost too much to try to cope with bodywise. Spring and summer are definitely better for me so I hope that this is it.

I've just finished week 2 of my herbs and I feel like I have more energy. I am having some pain in my shoulder area and my knees have their moments. My pelvis area isn't as bad as it was mid-March so maybe things are looking up.

I'm cautiously optimistic. I always feel dramatically better once AF has left the building.

In full out flare!

I'm in a major flare at the moment. Took me a few days to realize it. I have horrid fog and unless it's written down or someone is reminding me I'm a mess. I hurt, I'm depressed and miserable.

I need to get a hold of my triggers and manage them better. I think the greatest reason I'm in the place I am is my inability to manage stress. I've been getting down and really frustrated with all this. Add life on top of that and I'm letting everything send me down. The King has had to travel quite a bit and with him being my only source of human contact and support this days it makes it harder on me.

I think that I'm going to look for another acupuncturist. I've decided that I have the right to not have to listen to his mumbo jumbo tape, to have him know who I am without having to read my file, to not feel less than because I'm sensitive and to not be left in the room alone when you do a strange new treatment on me that sends me off the deep end in a new realm of anxiety and fear. He can't be the only acupuncturist that has success dealing with people with fibro. I've read of others who have had good results. Now I have to source out someone new. My insurance is up til May so I have some time to sort this out. Meantime I may or may not see Dr. X for some straight acupuncture treatments.

I decided to start taking my Omega 3 + Joy again. Today is my first day. It made me feel so good and I only went off it because Dr. X didn't want anything interfering with his herbs. I don't believe his herbs are helping me at the moment and I've told him as much. I just can't hang on like this waiting for a maybe upswing again. I'm at the end of it mentally.

What do you think? Am I giving up? Should I hang in there with Dr. X? Is it about time I went another way? I just wish there was some clear path to take. *sigh*

My head is killing me

I thought I was starting an upswing but that was short lived. I'm really foggy today so I hope this makes sense. Last night I tried one of the sleeping pills my doctor had given me quite some time ago. I've never tried it before but I really needed to just sleep and I was in so much pain last night. It took awhile to take effect but it then knocked me out til almost 11:30 am :(... obviously not something I can take on a regular basis.

Yesterday I totally crashed all day. I'm so sore and weak. I'm extremely frustrated as well. I'm at a loss as to what to do with my treatment. I just wish there was a clear course of action to take that would give me the results I so desperately want.

Trying to fight off the plague

I've been doing all that I can to fight off the plague that the King has had. I'm starting to worry that it is setting in as it hurts to breathe. I don't have a sore throat, cough or runny nose but last night I had horrible pain whenever I took a deep breath. I also had weird pain down my sides starting around the boob area and running down a few inches. My energy is zero and I've been having trouble sleeping again. This morning was a complete write off for me as it hurt whenever I took a good breath. I had to get my act together to get supper on early as we had PTA tonight. I had to get some support to unload this fundraiser that has been a bust with the parents. Unfortunately PTA lasted forever because we had our illustrious school trustee aka our mayor and rambling moron grace us with his presence for too long. I came home to AF, thank goodness the my liner held out as I wasn't expecting her arrival. (I only took my laptop bag and not my purse tonight. Could have had a jr. high flashback!! :S) So now I'm not sure what to think about my struggles- fighting off the King's disease or just my pms hell or maybe a mix of both.

I wish I wasn't having trouble sleeping again. I should have maybe booked a massage this week but it's a short week with school (early dismissal and friday off) so I didn't bother. I don't even want to go see Dr. X on Monday. I need to sort out how I feel about that all still. I'm thinking that my 2 x a day herbs are preventing me from sleep even though he has told me before they shouldn't keep me up. I try to take my first dose when I first wake up, which has been pretty consistently 930 am (shocking) but I don't always remember because I'm braindead these days. Then I try to take my 2nd round before the kids get home from school but again that doesn't always happen until I see my reminder on the fridge when I'm cooking supper.

I really should try to go to sleep. It seems that when I'm laying flat that my breathing pain is worse but when I prop up on a bunch of pillows I can't sleep. *sigh* I know I'm a whining baby. I'm getting really tired of feeling like total crap and my silver lining ability is pretty much non-existent.

Starting to feel a bit more human

Today I baked cookies (from scratch and not the bucket o' dough as I have been doing lately), had everything prepped to throw stew in the oven and was showered by 11:00 am. No, I didn't wet the bed. I slept on the hide-a- bed in the living room because the King has some chainsaw throat, hacking plague and I think I just might die if I catch it so I'm doing all I can to avoid the germs. The kids were super quiet this morning but I did wake up to them moving around which is nothing short of a miracle considering I took pain meds last night and didn't get to sleep til after 2. It is bitter cold tonight and I can feel it everywhere. I hope I can fall asleep soon. I'm back on the hide-a-bed as the King has been working while trying to beat this thing so it's hanging on for dear life. He needs to rest and has finally turned off his crackberry, apparently some of his emails late last night were less than coherent and his co-workers told him to go to bed and just say no to crackberry plus cold meds. I hope he can sleep in some tomorrow. He tried yesterday but had 150 messages by early afternoon so then tried to get caught up again. Please pray that I can fend off his plague.

Today was a not bad day in terms of pain, fog and energy. I'm tired and achy tonight but the cold (-33 C with the wind and dampness) really wrecks havoc with my body so that is to be expected. I wish we could move back to the desert but it's even cold there this winter.

Some days I just want to cry

I got rid of my self-acupuncture pads late last night. My ear was aching and I'd had enough of the headache from Monday already. I felt so out of sorts still and was hoping that I'd alleviate at least one of my symptoms by taking those retched bandaids of pain off. My headache is gone as well as my earache. Thank the Lord! I had to take something for the pain last night which made me sleep like a log once it kicked in.

Since I woke without a headache and feeling a bit better for the first time in over a week I got right to things and hopped in the shower right away (I normally have to muster up the strength to do this and I dawdle around in my jammies for a few hours first). The laundry basket was overflowing so I hauled it downstairs (normally I'd call on the King but he is not feeling well today). I nearly slipped on my way down the basement stairs which should of been my first indication that I should not venture down there. I could not believe the mess. The Prince and the Princess had been assigned the task of keeping up with the laundry by the King. They'd been read the royal riot act earlier this past week when he ventured down to the dungeon for something and saw the disaster (laundry and their rooms). So they'd had a week to get their act together and were even grounded from TV a few nights so they could do so. Unfortunately the King did not follow up and check their work. I just couldn't bear the stress of a disaster this past week. I knew that any stress would send me off the deep end physically so I avoided the dungeon. I asked them several times if they washed this load or that load, if there were more things to wash, etc. The Prince even chose to stay home while we ran errands on Saturday so he could catch up on all the laundry and his other chores (fools we are... he obviously played Wii and watched TV only doing the chores that would be most noticeable to us).

I'm so disappointed on so many levels. *sigh* I had been fooled into thinking that the Prince was actually learning how hard this is on me and had decided to take a more responsible approach to his chores and a more respectful way in treating me. He had spent 4 days with the royal grandparents and came back with some humility and a better attitude (fool I am to think that would last but thankful that my Mom had some empathy for me and that my Dad took the time to spend some time with his oldest grandson one on one). The Princess is starting to slack in the helping department but I think that is largely due to the Prince treating her like Cinderella at times and expecting her to do it all. I try to stay on top of that but she carries the burden rather than sharing it because she sees I'm suffering. I hate that she feels the need to try to protect me and I need to talk to her again about letting me be the parent despite my situation. It has been so hard for me to not be all my family needs me to be. Some days it takes everything I have to ensure that their is dinner on the table, lunches made, homework done and everyone is where they need to be that night. Many days that is all I am able to accomplish. I feel like I fail them often. I've learned to let some of the small things go and I do not have the house I used to have in the way of cleanliness, organization, over the top meals and homemade things for lunches.

So here I sit wishing for a laundry fairy and mourning, once again, what I once was.

Still not feeling like myself

I accomplished very little today. I took my herbs, did my acupressure points, my self-acupuncture, a shower, rested, made supper and lunches for tomorrow. I felt lightheaded and still kind of out of body most of the day. I don't know what the deal is. I hope tomorrow is better than this.

Disappointment

I had to cancel lunch with a friend today. I'm really disappointed because it's not something we are able to do often. Who am I kidding.. it's not that I have a heap of friends irl. She was very understanding but I still feel awful canceling. We were meeting in a nearby town and the thought of doing my hair, driving (means I can't even take OTC pain meds, yes my tolerance is that low) was just way too much for me today. I hate it that my body is grieving me so right now. It hurts around the muscles in my chest when I take a breath this morning. I'm going to have to break down and take something which will mean a loopy few hours but hopefully it will take the edge off the owies.

It has been a difficult week and my energy levels are so low. I feel like I am losing my mind at times because my brain is so foggy. There are times when I could swear I've had a certain conversation or sent an email or even made a blog post but it has never happened. Makes me feel like I'm on the edge of dementia at times. I need to get back onto my lists to keep things in order. I haven't had to do that for a long while and got out of habit.

I just don't know what to do anymore. On Monday I see Dr. X again and I'm going to talk to him about the herbs. I'm obviously missing something that I had in my concoction in December. I just don't know why it went from helping me so much to it seemingly having zero effect. I'm starting to slip into a bit of the blues which isn't a place I ever like to go. It's just been difficult to go from feeling so great to being back to this. This is not the life I want but it is the one I have. I need to find a way to get on top of this mentally and spiritually. Right now I feel like I'm wallowing but I'm so darn tired I can't seem to muster the strength to fight.