Looking for strength

I'm into week 3 of every day pain. I'm not very fun to be around. Weeks of gritting my teeth with no relief have me either weeping or lashing out in anger. I'm at the edge of it all. The King wants me to go back to the doctor... again I told him there is not a magic pill to fix this. My experience with meds is not a good one and I really don't need to have more problems. I'm tired. Tired physically, emotionally and spiritually. My brain races but my thoughts are a jumbled mess. I repeat myself with the important things I need to remember for everyone. I have a lot on my plate this month and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. It's not stuff I can slough off for others to do.

Today I'd hope to sleep the day away but I can't fall asleep. So I'm trying to rest... someone's dog won't stop barking but if I close the window I will boil to death.

I miss who I used to be. It seems pointless to even make plans because who knows where I will be at when it comes time to do them.

I had a diet pop without thinking the other day and I know that the rat poison in it is definitely a trigger. I've advised the King to remind me that it's poison to my body if I reach for one again.

Who beat me up?

I feel like someone beat the life out of me last night. My whole body aches. It hurts to walk, to move, to type, to breath. I have to get the Jester to his first soccer game tonight. I'm still single parenting as the King is away til tomorrow, home briefly and then gone again. My brain is fried. I'm sick of pain. I can't find a silver lining anywhere.

In full out flare!

I'm in a major flare at the moment. Took me a few days to realize it. I have horrid fog and unless it's written down or someone is reminding me I'm a mess. I hurt, I'm depressed and miserable.

I need to get a hold of my triggers and manage them better. I think the greatest reason I'm in the place I am is my inability to manage stress. I've been getting down and really frustrated with all this. Add life on top of that and I'm letting everything send me down. The King has had to travel quite a bit and with him being my only source of human contact and support this days it makes it harder on me.

I think that I'm going to look for another acupuncturist. I've decided that I have the right to not have to listen to his mumbo jumbo tape, to have him know who I am without having to read my file, to not feel less than because I'm sensitive and to not be left in the room alone when you do a strange new treatment on me that sends me off the deep end in a new realm of anxiety and fear. He can't be the only acupuncturist that has success dealing with people with fibro. I've read of others who have had good results. Now I have to source out someone new. My insurance is up til May so I have some time to sort this out. Meantime I may or may not see Dr. X for some straight acupuncture treatments.

I decided to start taking my Omega 3 + Joy again. Today is my first day. It made me feel so good and I only went off it because Dr. X didn't want anything interfering with his herbs. I don't believe his herbs are helping me at the moment and I've told him as much. I just can't hang on like this waiting for a maybe upswing again. I'm at the end of it mentally.

What do you think? Am I giving up? Should I hang in there with Dr. X? Is it about time I went another way? I just wish there was some clear path to take. *sigh*

My head is killing me

I thought I was starting an upswing but that was short lived. I'm really foggy today so I hope this makes sense. Last night I tried one of the sleeping pills my doctor had given me quite some time ago. I've never tried it before but I really needed to just sleep and I was in so much pain last night. It took awhile to take effect but it then knocked me out til almost 11:30 am :(... obviously not something I can take on a regular basis.

Yesterday I totally crashed all day. I'm so sore and weak. I'm extremely frustrated as well. I'm at a loss as to what to do with my treatment. I just wish there was a clear course of action to take that would give me the results I so desperately want.

Trying to fight off the plague

I've been doing all that I can to fight off the plague that the King has had. I'm starting to worry that it is setting in as it hurts to breathe. I don't have a sore throat, cough or runny nose but last night I had horrible pain whenever I took a deep breath. I also had weird pain down my sides starting around the boob area and running down a few inches. My energy is zero and I've been having trouble sleeping again. This morning was a complete write off for me as it hurt whenever I took a good breath. I had to get my act together to get supper on early as we had PTA tonight. I had to get some support to unload this fundraiser that has been a bust with the parents. Unfortunately PTA lasted forever because we had our illustrious school trustee aka our mayor and rambling moron grace us with his presence for too long. I came home to AF, thank goodness the my liner held out as I wasn't expecting her arrival. (I only took my laptop bag and not my purse tonight. Could have had a jr. high flashback!! :S) So now I'm not sure what to think about my struggles- fighting off the King's disease or just my pms hell or maybe a mix of both.

I wish I wasn't having trouble sleeping again. I should have maybe booked a massage this week but it's a short week with school (early dismissal and friday off) so I didn't bother. I don't even want to go see Dr. X on Monday. I need to sort out how I feel about that all still. I'm thinking that my 2 x a day herbs are preventing me from sleep even though he has told me before they shouldn't keep me up. I try to take my first dose when I first wake up, which has been pretty consistently 930 am (shocking) but I don't always remember because I'm braindead these days. Then I try to take my 2nd round before the kids get home from school but again that doesn't always happen until I see my reminder on the fridge when I'm cooking supper.

I really should try to go to sleep. It seems that when I'm laying flat that my breathing pain is worse but when I prop up on a bunch of pillows I can't sleep. *sigh* I know I'm a whining baby. I'm getting really tired of feeling like total crap and my silver lining ability is pretty much non-existent.

Still not feeling like myself

I accomplished very little today. I took my herbs, did my acupressure points, my self-acupuncture, a shower, rested, made supper and lunches for tomorrow. I felt lightheaded and still kind of out of body most of the day. I don't know what the deal is. I hope tomorrow is better than this.

Disappointment

I had to cancel lunch with a friend today. I'm really disappointed because it's not something we are able to do often. Who am I kidding.. it's not that I have a heap of friends irl. She was very understanding but I still feel awful canceling. We were meeting in a nearby town and the thought of doing my hair, driving (means I can't even take OTC pain meds, yes my tolerance is that low) was just way too much for me today. I hate it that my body is grieving me so right now. It hurts around the muscles in my chest when I take a breath this morning. I'm going to have to break down and take something which will mean a loopy few hours but hopefully it will take the edge off the owies.

It has been a difficult week and my energy levels are so low. I feel like I am losing my mind at times because my brain is so foggy. There are times when I could swear I've had a certain conversation or sent an email or even made a blog post but it has never happened. Makes me feel like I'm on the edge of dementia at times. I need to get back onto my lists to keep things in order. I haven't had to do that for a long while and got out of habit.

I just don't know what to do anymore. On Monday I see Dr. X again and I'm going to talk to him about the herbs. I'm obviously missing something that I had in my concoction in December. I just don't know why it went from helping me so much to it seemingly having zero effect. I'm starting to slip into a bit of the blues which isn't a place I ever like to go. It's just been difficult to go from feeling so great to being back to this. This is not the life I want but it is the one I have. I need to find a way to get on top of this mentally and spiritually. Right now I feel like I'm wallowing but I'm so darn tired I can't seem to muster the strength to fight.